Guide to Surviving Infidelity

If you’re in an intimate relationship devastated by infidelity, you know the feeling of the solid relationship ground you’ve come to rely on suddenly turning to quicksand under your feet.  You are likely reading this article because you’re struggling with this incredibly disorienting and painful experience, and you’re at a loss with how to navigate this overwhelming new reality. 

You might also be reading this in an effort to find some message of hope, to learn that it is possible to move past the enormity of what has occurred, to reassure yourself that couples do survive infidelity and are able to rebuild what has been shattered.

Surviving infidelity and rebuilding a meaningful, secure connection with your partner are indeed possible (I’ve worked with hundreds of couples through the years who have reestablished trust and healed from the betrayal of an affair). 

Educating yourselves about what to expect is an essential part of the affair recovery process. Even though each couple’s healing journey is unique, there are common challenges that couples face, and preparing for these challenges can make the difficult road ahead less treacherous.

To survive infidelity and prepare for these challenges, this article is meant to be an introductory guide for what lies ahead and how best to navigate the tumultuous day-to-day reality of the emotional and relational fallout from the betrayal.

Surviving infidelity takes time, effort and work

The affair recovery journey should be approached as a long-term endeavor, one that requires patience and perseverance, and the ability to hold onto some amount of hope even when circumstances feel bleak. In short, being realistic about what to expect is an essential part of managing the difficult challenges — challenges that can take an emotional toll on both of you.  

The intensity of your feelings (especially early on) may lead you to conclude that your attempts to rebuild are futile and that your relationship or marriage cannot be saved. Deciding to end a relationship is a very personal decision, and not all relationships survive the fallout of infidelity. For many betrayed partners, the intensity of their pain does ease; and couples that do survive infidelity and stay together report that they purposely avoided making any major relationship decisions during the highly emotional periods of the infidelity recovery process. 

Surviving Infidelity: What to expect early on

Emotional flooding and disruption

Many couples who have survived infidelity report experiencing a high degree of emotional turmoil early in the affair recovery process. 

The first priority is to find ways to manage the pain you are in. As the betrayed partner, you have been traumatized, and this type of betrayal trauma can cause a flooding of emotions. You might be in shock, feeling like you are now existing in a surreal, dream-like state, unmoored from the parts of your life that used to ground you and bring meaning to your life. 

In short, you are trying to make sense of a new reality that has been foisted upon you. 

Shock, anger and despair are three common reactions at this early affair recovery stage. 

Sleep and appetite disturbances are common at this point. You may swing wildly from a deep sadness to rage; from moments of hopefulness to crushing despair; from wanting to be close to your partner to pushing them away.

You are not “going crazy” or “losing your mind.” You are traumatized, and these emotional and behavioral extremes are normal under the circumstances, and they are to be expected. Self-care might feel impossible when simply getting out of bed turns into a monumental task. When you are ready, setting an intentional self-care plan can help you cope with the pain that now consumes you. 

Insecurity and doubt

Survivors of infidelity describe a heightened sense of insecurity, fear and rumination about the relationship. Prior to the discovery of the affair, you might have experienced a secure attachment to your partner, built on trust. After the affair discovery, this secure connection may transform to a heightened sense of uncertainty about the status of the relationship (what is called an insecure-preoccupied attachment pattern). 

You may now question the basic assumptions you once held about your partner — for instance, whether they are trustworthy, honest, or truly committed to you and the relationship. You might also doubt whether they hold certain moral values you thought were shared by both of you. 

It is also common to be flooded with self-doubt, looking at the past through the lens of infidelity to question what was real about the relationship and wonder what was built on lies. 

Some people report that they feel they do not truly know their spouse/partner after they discover the affair. If both partners agree they want to heal from infidelity, it is important to delay making decisions about the marriage/relationship at this stage of the recovery process. 

It is extremely unsettling to feel you no longer recognize your partner, to question who they are and what motivates them. Like the emotional upheaval described above, this is part of the trauma reaction. While healing takes place, the doubts that now plague you will lessen as the unfaithful partner does the therapy work they need to do in order to understand and make sense of why they cheated.

Obsessive thoughts/questioning and the need to find the truth

For many betrayed partners, there is a deep sense that an injustice has occurred. Painful rumination about what happened and the “need” to uncover the minutia of the affair may now consume you. This is a common part of feeling victimized. Victims crave justice; they long to discover the truth about the ways in which they were wronged so they can put the painful event(s) to rest. 

Unfortunately, too many betrayed spouses/partners get stuck in their quest for information and often ultimately find that learning everything that happened does little to comfort them. This doesn’t mean you should not have a full disclosure from your partner about what has occurred if that is important to you. You may need to know this for healing to occur, but having realistic expectations about what the truth of the affair can and cannot do for you is something that should be considered. 

Survivors of infidelity report struggling with intrusive and obsessive thoughts about the affair.  Some report feeling consumed about the affair partner, wanting to know all they can find out about this person. 

Getting unstuck from obsessive thoughts about the affair & affair partner

The motivation (which can be unconscious) that drives one to be consumed by the details of the affair and/or the affair partner (and keeps people stuck in this quest) is complex and needs to be explored so that healing does not become stalled in the never-ending pursuit of details. 

Here are a few reasons you might get stuck in this rumination cycle:

The unfaithful partner is being inconsistent or the information they’ve shared about what has occurred does not objectively sound coherent;

The overwhelming need to know is fueled by the belief/hope that once you know everything, you can make sense of what has occurred and put it to rest;

There is the unconscious fantasy that learning about the affair partner will help you better understand who your spouse/partner is and why they were unfaithful;

For some, the obsessive need to know everything about the affair and affair partner takes on a self-punishing quality. There can be several reasons for this dynamic. One possibility is that you are unconsciously turning a trauma that you suffered passively into a trauma you can now control — you are now in the driver’s seat of the pain you feel, not your partner.

Another possibility in remaining stuck in a never-ending quest for information is that you feel some level of guilt about what has occurred and you are punishing yourself because you believe yourself to be responsible in some way. Mentally revisiting what has occurred can turn into a form of self-flagellation. While the belief and subsequent guilt that you are somehow responsible is irrational, unfortunately, too many betrayed partners end up feeling this way, and it is important to explore why this is so. 

The above are complex, often unconscious dynamics that may take time to unravel. 

Surviving Infidelity: What to expect down the road

Longer stretches in “normalcy”

As the healing process unfolds over time, you may begin to notice that there are moments of increasing normalcy. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve forgotten about the affair; even when it’s not in the forefront of your mind, you may still feel its presence, but to a lesser degree. It’s not consuming you the way it did in the past. 

These shifts do not occur because “time heals all wounds.” If periods of calm and okay-ness start to occur, it is largely due to the work that both you and your partner are doing. Time is a factor in the affair recovery process, but it is both partners’ efforts to facilitate healing that are essential. At the top of the list for what assists in the healing process is the unfaithful partner’s empathy about the pain caused and the ability for them to hold a safe space for your reactions (especially your anger and despair). 

Remember, surviving infidelity and building a strong post-affair relationship take time. Sometimes considerable time. It is common for the unfaithful partner’s patience to run thin at some point (while this isn’t a given, this possibility needs to be addressed for healing to continue). To counter this, it’s important that the unfaithful partner realize that they might be dictating that the betrayed partner “should be over it by now” rather than assuming that the betrayed partner is doing their best to move past the betrayal trauma. 

When looking at the big picture of infidelity recovery, it’s important to realize that the affair recovery process is not a linear journey. Good days will be intermixed with challenging days; just when you’ve accumulated a string of good weeks or even months, a triggering event can set you back. This is common and to be expected.

Managing and understanding triggers 

By its definition a trigger is an event, a reminder of some type that causes an intense emotional reaction — it’s as if our will or sense of agency (the decision-maker part of you) is bypassed and you are left helplessly experiencing intense emotions/body reactions related to the betrayal trauma. You might not be aware that you were triggered until after the fact. For instance, you might not have realized you had a nightmare about the affair and wake up confused and highly anxious without knowing why your day is starting off this way.

Identifying and anticipating what your particular triggers are becomes important in managing your reactions. The unfaithful partner should use this knowledge about your triggers in ways that show they are sensitively considering your struggles. For instance, avoiding certain movies or destinations that might be triggering is one way to express empathy for the betrayed partner. 

As you begin to reinstate activities that have been avoided in the months following the affair discovery, these activities might be triggering at first (for instance, engaging in sexual activity). This is to be expected and it’s important to discuss your feelings so that these reinstated activities can be approached in a sensitive manner. 

At some point you may notice events that were previously triggering (for instance, spending time apart from each other, the unfaithful partner being on their phone) start to have less emotional impact on you. 

This is a sign that what had previously registered as psychologically dangerous to you is now registering as increasingly benign/safe. This, of course, is a good sign that the healing process is trending in the right direction. 

Over time some survivors of infidelity report that positive experiences can trigger a painful, trauma-based reaction. While this can be quite confusing, it actually is not uncommon. One possible explanation is that when you begin to feel safe and start to lower your guard, you make yourself increasingly vulnerable. Vulnerability can still register as dangerous and trigger a protective stance. It’s as if your inner protector is warning you to remain vigilant so that you do not get blindsided by another betrayal. 

Understanding the psychology about why positive and enjoyable moments can trigger you can help you feel more in control and grounded; the goal is to move at a pace that both keeps you feeling safe while taking the next steps and calculated risks that will help rebuild trust and connection. 

Reclaiming benign/positive assumptions about the unfaithful partner 

At the beginning phase of the affair recovery process, you might experience your partner largely as the person who betrayed you and caused you significant pain. In these instances, the person you loved and trusted has turned into a threat, someone who did things you could never imagine them doing. 

When we are traumatized, our basic assumptions that sustain us are upended (Janoff-Bulman, 1992). Your internal world has been turned upside down because the basic assumptions and expectations you had about your partner have been called into question. These assumptions grounded you and made it safe for you to give of yourself to your partner. As you rebuild after an affair, you are rebuilding your assumptions about your partner. Are they someone you view as immoral and malevolent? Completely unsafe? Inherently untrustworthy? Or are they a loving, considerate person who made a terrible decision? 

When your pain and insecurity are amplified, it can be difficult to hold onto any positive traits that your spouse/partner possesses. 

As time passes, however, it becomes important that your view of your partner shifts, that they are no longer defined solely by the pain they caused you, no longer defined solely by their disloyalty. Much of this shift will occur naturally as the healing process unfolds. But it can also be beneficial to intentionally explore the assumptions you hold about your spouse/partner in order to better understand which assumptions you might not be ready to let go of.

If you see the unfaithful partner’s essence as malevolent or ill-intentioned because of the bad decision(s) they have made, then you will continue to mistrust and need to stay emotionally distant from them.

If the evidence about who your partner is suggests that they will continue to hurt you, then, of course, you should protect yourself. The issue being explored here is that the trauma you experienced may, at some point, hold you back from seeing that your partner has assumed responsibility for being unfaithful, and has done the work to grow and to genuinely make amends for what they have done. If this is the case, then it can be important to examine the trauma-based assumptions that are impacting the healing process. 

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The above issues examined are a general outline for what you might encounter in your efforts to survive and rebuild after infidelity. What is addressed in this article is by no means exhaustive, but it captures important elements that you and your partner may want to consider as you undertake the necessary steps toward healing from an affair. 

Fighting for one’s relationship is a very personal decision, and there are often complex issues that need to be sorted out in deciding whether or not to put in the time, resources and effort required to save the relationship. One such issue not addressed here is the quality of the relationship that existed before the affair occurred. Not surprisingly, couples who did not have a stable foundation prior to an affair will often face more challenges than couples who had a strong relational footing. Another important issue centers around the level of commitment both partners bring to the recovery process. Not surprisingly again, if one partner’s commitment to rebuilding is tenuous at best, the entire undertaking will be impacted. 

Today’s surviving infidelity article focused primarily on the recovery process that the betrayed partner faces. In an upcoming article, we will explore the challenges and issues that the unfaithful partner must deal with during the affair recovery process. 

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Rich Nicastro, PhD., is a psychologist with twenty-five years of experience working with individuals and couples. He offers teletherapy to couples who are working on healing from infidelity. Additionally, he offers individual teletherapy for the betrayed partner, as well as the partners/spouses who have cheated and want to better understand the unconscious dynamics that drove them to betray their loved ones. If you’re interested in working with Dr. Nicastro, click contact us for more information.