Affair Recovery: How Remorse Heals

“Before I messed everything up by having an affair, my partner and I used to say that our relationship was like a continuous love letter. Since my affair, we’ve been through a lot. And that’s an understatement. What’s helping us feel more connected is that now my role in the relationship is writing a metaphoric, ongoing apology letter. I’ve worked really hard to show her just how sorry I am for what I did, and it’s making a difference.”  ~Janice 

Healing from infidelity is a complex and challenging process. As a couple attempts to rebuild post-affair, it is common for uncertainty to linger. One or both individuals may have doubts about whether rebuilding is feasible, or if it is even worth the painstaking work. As healing progresses, this uncertainty tends to fade, replaced by the tangible effects of dedicated affair recovery work.

The mindset of the unfaithful partner plays a crucial role in healing from infidelity. Their perspective on issues such as why they cheated, the post-affair fallout, and the necessary steps for repair significantly shape how the affair recovery unfolds.

This article will spotlight the significance of genuine remorse in the affair recovery process. It is crucial for the unfaithful partner to personify remorsefulness in ways that will help create a sustained emotional connection where the betrayed partner feels validated and supported. 

Emotional holding involves actively contemplating and empathizing with the betrayed’s experiences, understanding the challenges they confront. In the context of betrayal trauma, it means reflecting on the repercussions of one’s decisions and actions, recognizing the harm inflicted on the other person. It also means recognizing that infidelity recovery is a slow process, with a course that is often unpredictable. 

This essential remorseful mindset may not automatically feel natural, but rest assured— it can be developed. It may be helpful to think of it as an apologizing attitude that extends beyond the mere words, “I’m sorry.”

Let’s explore what goes into cultivating an apologizing attitude and why verbal expressions of “I’m sorry” are necessary but not sufficient in repairing the trauma caused by infidelity. 

Cultivating an apologizing attitude

The idea of an apologizing attitude in affair recovery includes and extends beyond the utterance of “I’m sorry.” It encompasses a broader, sustained approach to remorse, accountability, and empathy. This attitude is integral to rebuilding trust and healing the psychological trauma caused by infidelity.

An apologizing attitude entails a continuous commitment to self-reflection and an acknowledgment of the consequences of one’s actions on the betrayed partner. It extends beyond the initial aftermath of the affair, enduring throughout the entire recovery journey. While the expression of “I’m sorry” serves as a crucial first step, cultivating an apologizing attitude enhances the unfaithful partner’s ability to empathetically hold space for the betrayed’s suffering. This mindset fosters a lasting sense of deep regret and an ongoing awareness of the sustained impact of their behavior, which can, ideally, lead to more effective attempts at repair.

In essence, an apologizing attitude is an evolving and dynamic state of being. It is the unfaithful partner’s willingness to learn from mistakes, make amends, and consistently demonstrate through actions that they are actively participating in the reconstruction of the relationship. Unlike a discrete apology, an apologizing attitude is an ongoing, integral part of the unfaithful partner’s mindset and behavior, shaping the trajectory of affair recovery toward genuine healing and meaningful change.

An apologizing attitude includes four key features. These features not only shape how the unfaithful partner expresses remorse, but more importantly, they enhance how the unfaithful partner relates to and engages with the suffering of the betrayed partner.

Four Core Features of an Apologizing Attitude 

Ownership of Wrongdoing

A fundamental aspect of an apologizing attitude is the unambiguous ownership of wrongdoing. This involves refraining from placing blame on external circumstances and acknowledging that the unfaithful partner is responsible for their choices and actions (even if they are unaware of the unconscious motivations that led to their acting out). 

This ownership not only establishes accountability but also sets the stage for genuine self-reflection and self-growth, fostering an environment conducive to rebuilding trust.

Awareness and Acknowledgment of Hurt/Injury Caused

Central to an apologizing attitude is an acute awareness and recognition of the pain and injury inflicted by one’s transgressions. This extends far beyond a superficial understanding of the consequences; it requires one to open themselves up emotionally to the suffering of the other, to be impacted by this suffering, to metaphorically carry it alongside the betrayed. 

Too many unfaithful partners intentionally or unwittingly distance themselves from the betrayed’s enormous pain.

Too many unfaithful partners intentionally or unwittingly distance themselves from the betrayed’s enormous pain. In doing so, the betrayed is abandoned, left alone and left to endure a level of pain that often is too unbearable for one to hold on their own.  

This acknowledgement encompasses the realization that the betrayed partner may no longer feel emotionally safe, may question the authenticity of past relationship experiences (memories that have acted as psychological anchors for the relationship are now frayed), and that the wounded partner may now struggle with persistent fears of future betrayals despite reassurances from the unfaithful partner. 

This multifaceted awareness serves as the cornerstone for empathy and compassion, essential elements in the healing journey.

Commitment to Not Repeat the Betrayal

Implicit in a sincere apology is the genuine commitment to not repeat the betrayal. Inherent in the apology itself is the promise of fidelity. 

This commitment signifies a deliberate endeavor to understand the underlying dynamics that led to the betrayal, to address these issues proactively, and to take concrete steps to prevent a recurrence. The strength of this commitment is key in restoring both personal integrity and the integrity of the relationship.

Genuine Remorse and Regret 

Remorse and regret lie at the heart of an apologizing attitude, forming its emotional foundation. 

It’s crucial that remorse and regret arise from empathy rather than toxic shame. The person whose apologies are driven by toxic shame may seek absolution without truly understanding the pain inflicted. Seeking premature absolution circumvents the betrayed’s pain and the emotional processing required for true healing. In short, shame-driven apologies are self-serving and are aimed at making one’s own discomfort disappear rather than offering true comfort to the betrayed. 

 

In short, shame-driven apologies are self-serving and are aimed at making one’s own discomfort disappear rather than offering true comfort to the betrayed. 

Genuine remorse entails an emotional connection to the betrayed partner’s suffering, fostering a sincere desire to make amends and contribute to their healing. This authentic emotional response also helps mitigate the risk of resentment if immediate absolution is not achieved. Resentment is likely when the unfaithful partner imposes a timeline for when the betrayed’s pain and mistrust should be resolved. 

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The individual navigating an authentic apologizing attitude can face various hurdles rooted in complex psychological and emotional dynamics. Below are four barriers to be mindful of that can hinder the cultivation of a sincere apologizing attitude.

Four Barriers to an Apologizing Attitude

Shame

One significant barrier to developing and maintaining an apologizing attitude is the pervasive presence of shame. When an individual is gripped by shame, the instinctual response may be to evade acknowledging the full impact of their transgressions, thereby drowning out the ability to hold the other fully in mind in ways that promote empathy. Alternatively, the acknowledgment of wrongdoing might elicit intense self-loathing, overshadowing the healing impact of genuine remorse. 

Toxic shame triggered by self-attack interferes with one’s capacity to be emotionally present for another. Individuals entangled in shame often struggle to confront the consequences of their actions and struggle to convey empathy-driven remorse, hindering the cultivation of an authentic apologizing attitude.

Fear of Vulnerability 

Fear of vulnerability can significantly hamper the development of an apologizing attitude. Offering an apology necessitates emotional openness, admitting mistakes, and acknowledging their impact, as well as revealing one’s imperfections. 

When expressing remorse, individuals expose themselves more fully to the wounded partner’s experience, which can often be intense. Heartfelt remorse may evoke various emotions from the betrayed, including anger or rage, rejection of the apology regardless of its sincerity, or demands for an explanation of why the cheating occurred. 

Predicting the emotional response to an apology is impossible. This uncertainty may prompt the unfaithful partner to shy away from the vulnerability inherent to an apologizing attitude. This fear may hinder the essential reaching out and bids for connection necessary for repair to take place. If the betrayed is clear that they do not want any apologies, then that boundary should be respected. But if only one out of ten apologies seems to resonate in a positive way, this should be considered a meaningful step.

 

It’s vital to remember that the betrayed is severely injured and needs to protect themselves in any way that allows them to feel safer. To allow even one apology past one’s protective wall is a very big deal.   

It’s vital to remember that the betrayed is severely injured and needs to protect themselves in any way that allows them to feel safer. To allow even one apology past one’s protective wall is a very big deal.   

Entitlement (Need to Be Right) 

Entitlement poses a barrier by fostering a need to be right at all costs. Individuals who struggle with a rigid sense of entitlement may find it challenging to acknowledge their mistakes. Engaging in debates to prove the “facts” around their actions, the unfaithful partner risks losing sight of the immense pain experienced by the betrayed partner.

The fear of relinquishing control or admitting fallibility interferes with the development of a humble and remorseful attitude. When entitlement is the driving force, expressing remorse might feel like submission, being placed in a “one-down,” subordinate position in relation to the other. 

It’s essential to understand that nurturing an apologizing attitude isn’t an act of submission. Instead, it entails staying open to and being affected by the suffering of the betrayed partner. It’s about holding their pain so they don’t feel alone in their suffering. It involves ongoing communication, acknowledging the pain one has caused, and committing to walk alongside the sufferer, responding in ways that may begin to alleviate their distress.

For this to occur, there needs to be a shift from an entitled-defensive stance to one of humility and genuine contrition.

Appeasement Rather Than True Remorse

Another barrier is the tendency to resort to appeasement rather than genuine remorse. Sometimes, an apology may be extended not from a place of emotional understanding and empathy but as an attempt to pacify the wounded partner or spouse. This may involve attempts to quickly patch things up and move on. The avoidance of the other’s pain ultimately undermines healing. The betrayed might feel unseen, pressured to let go of their pain or manipulated by the underlying tactics of appeasement. 

 

The avoidance of the other’s pain ultimately undermines healing. The betrayed might feel unseen, pressured to let go of their pain or manipulated by the underlying tactics of appeasement. 

This surface-level form of apology lacks the emotional depth required for affair recovery. And often, when efforts by the unfaithful partner to appease the betrayed individual fail to erase their anger or pain, the unfaithful partner may end up feeling resentment since they are not getting the results they expect.   

Appeasement tends to be agenda-driven and prescriptive, motivated by a mindset of “If I do X, I should get the desired outcome of Y.” On the contrary, an apologizing attitude is compassion-driven, allowing one to create a space for and meet the wounded spouse or partner where they are emotionally.  

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An apologizing attitude characterized by ownership/accountability, awareness, commitment, and genuine remorse lays the potential groundwork for a transformative journey of healing and rebuilding in the aftermath of betrayal.

This mindset entails ongoing efforts to cultivate remorse and empathy toward the betrayed partner’s experience. This is not an easy task and is particularly challenging for some to maintain the level of empathy required for affair recovery. But it is absolutely necessary. It requires practice so that the unfaithful partner can step into the shoes of the betrayed in an effort to comprehend the emotional turmoil and scars left behind. More than mere words, the apology mindset extends into a way of being—an overall attitude—that reflects a sincere desire to alleviate the suffering caused by the infidelity.

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Rich Nicastro, PhD is a clinical psychologist based in Austin, Texas. He has over twenty-five years of experience working with individuals and couples. He offers teletherapy to clients throughout the United States.