The Shame of the Cheating Spouse

Eric’s marriage didn’t survive his infidelity. After attempting to recover from his affair for over two years (attempts that included infidelity counseling, affair recovery workshops and reading numerous books on healing betrayal trauma), Eric and his wife Cassandra made the painful decision to end their marriage. 

Before then, the couple gave it their all and had made significant progress in reestablishing trust. Their communication had improved and they were able to identify the emotional triggers that led to conflict and emotional disconnection.

So why did this couple’s affair recovery journey end after they made considerable improvement? 

When the cheating spouse/partner cannot move on

Frequently, it is the betrayed spouse/partner who decides that the relationship should end when the pain of staying together feels unmanageable. In these instances, the rebuilding of trust may not feel reliable for the long haul; concerning behaviors on the part of the one who cheated may carry on and heighten the betrayed partner’s suspicion; the heartache of the betrayal continues to drain the relationship; or the marital foundation was too tenuous to begin with and couldn’t withstand the psychological and emotional demands of affair recovery work. 

While there are many reasons why a relationship may not survive the aftermath of a betrayal trauma, an important reason exists that often isn’t addressed in the literature: 

The inability of the person who cheated to forgive themselves, even when the betrayed partner has forgiven them.

When the cheating spouse/partner becomes imprisoned by shame and guilt

Soon after Cassandra discovered that Eric had been unfaithful, he sank into despair at the full realization of what he had done, as well as the consequences. He came face-to-face with the enormous emotional damage he had inflicted on Cassandra and their family. He quickly mobilized in an effort to repair, he made a full disclosure and took responsibility for his actions. He started individual therapy to better understand the underlying issues that drove him to cheat, and he found a couples counselor who specialized in infidelity counseling. 

Throughout the recovery process, he remained open to Cassandra’s pain and anger, and he would often reassure her that it would never happen again. Slowly, Cassandra’s inner turmoil lessened, and over a two-year period, their shared life started “to feel normal again.” But the new normal didn’t hold for long. 

As the marriage began to stabilize and emotional and sexual intimacy returned, Eric started to appear increasingly distant. This was subtle at first and, of course, this caused Cassandra considerable anxiety. She ruminated about him having second thoughts and feared that he had grown restless and bored with her and was wanting to cheat again. He assured Cassandra that he loved her and wanted to be with her as well as assuring his therapist and the couples counselor that this was the case. 

Eric would discover in his individual counseling that he felt traumatized by the trauma he caused his wife. He frequently revisited the pain he had brought her, churning over the details of her pained reactions as if they were happening all over again. Choking back tears he recalled, “I will never forget how she fell to the floor and cried out after I admitted what I did…I felt so helpless and afraid for what was happening to her.”  

Over time the trauma lessened for both of them. But Eric could not forgive himself, and his self-condemnation was largely due to the shame and guilt he continued to hold.

He now lived in a psychological prison cell that was cemented with shame and guilt. He convinced himself that what he had done was unforgivable. 

When the cheating spouse’s/partner’s shame and guilt block affair recovery

There are at least two ways in which shame and guilt (that the cheating spouse experiences) infiltrates the infidelity recovery process — both of these need to be addressed so that the journey of healing from the betrayal trauma remains on course.  

In one potentially derailing pattern, the partner/spouse who cheated repeatedly sinks into a shame and/or guilt reaction whenever the betrayed expresses their pain or anger. 

When this reoccurs, the intensity of the shame/guilt reaction collapses the holding space that is needed for the betrayed to feel seen and cared for. In these moments, it’s as if shame psychically suffocates the person who cheated, choking off their capacity for engagement, empathy, as well as the ability to express their understanding of the other’s suffering.   

As one wife shared, “Every time I express my anger, it feels like my husband falls away from me…he deflates and I’m left alone again with my pain.”

Chronic shame and guilt have the potential to sever the connection between people. Shame in particular is an experience that is difficult to capture in words, and therefore difficult to process and make sense of. Unresolved shame and the deep-seated experience that one is unworthy sever one’s capacity to emotionally give and receive. This closing off of the self to the other has enormous ramifications for how the healing process unfolds.  

In the second derailing pattern, shame and guilt seem to intensify when the affair recovery process is well underway and trust is starting to be reestablished. When the betrayed is able to trust again, the conditions for meaningful connection are now in place. If the healing process stalls at this point, it’s important to explore whether the partner who cheated is struggling with unconscious guilt (“I did something terribly wrong and my actions are unforgivable”) and/or shame (“I’m an unworthy person and deserve nothing good”). 

This was the case for Eric. As the relationship improved, he started to close himself off from Cassandra’s bids for connection. He would appear distracted and began making excuses for his lack of emotional availability.

The painful paradox of working toward and feeling unworthy of healing

While this may look like self-sabotage or an unwillingness on the part of the partner or spouse who cheated to commit to the ongoing work of healing, this type of derailment may point to the power of underlying shame or guilt, emotions that create an internal battle that ultimately undermines the efforts to rebuild.  

It’s important to note that the power and pervasiveness of shame and/or guilt may not be fully conscious to the person struggling with these emotions. There are many cases in which the partner who cheated is confused by their own behavior; bewildered by their own struggles to remain open and receive what they’ve been working so hard to achieve in the recovery process. They may prematurely conclude that they are “too broken” to be in the relationship.  

The painful paradox is that they now have the opportunity to experience what they’ve so desperately wanted (the opportunity to reconnect to the person they have so deeply wounded), only to find that they’ve become frozen and immobile when this opportunity is within reach.  

Rich Nicastro, PhD is a clinical psychologist with over two decades of experience working with men and women who have cheated or who have been betrayed by their partners. He offers telecounseling to individuals and couples throughout the United States.