Anger is a common and normal reaction to being betrayed. For some, it’s a constant as they attempt to recover from the psychological devastation of a betrayal trauma.
You may find that you go to bed angry and wake up angry, unable to shake it off. Or you might have prolonged respites from feeling any anger at all, only to be blindsided by it when you least expect it. Depending on where you are in your affair recovery journey, you might feel the need to embrace anger as a protective shield against the dangers of opening yourself up emotionally, or you might hate the fact that you are so angry, frustrated with the part of you that cannot cool the heat of indignation.
Since anger is an inherent part of a trauma reaction and central to recovering from a betrayal trauma, it’s important to understand the role that anger plays in the work of recovering from an affair.
Recovering from Betrayal Trauma Anger
The shattering of trust
The shattering of trust is at the center of betrayal. Humans are wired to form deep connections with others, especially those we love and care about. For this connection to unfold, trust must be established so that we can take the emotional risk of letting ourselves be known to another. Intimacy is about being fully seen and witnessed, of having your life (past as well as present experiences) recognized and acknowledged by someone who matters to you.
Trust also grows when two people look ahead and anticipate a shared future that acts as a beacon for mutual fulfillment and growth.
The more secure we feel with our partner, the greater the opportunities for deep emotional sharing and intimacy. Trust is the foundation of intimate (emotional and physical) connection.
When trust is broken by infidelity, the ensuing shock and mistrust cause the person you thought you knew to seem entirely unknown, a most disorienting and distressing experience. You are now faced with a new, unwanted reality. The person you counted on to journey through this life together with has now become unpredictable and unrecognizable to you — and at its most traumatic level, your partner might now be a source of emotional danger.
The slow rebuilding of trust is foundational to recovering from betrayal trauma.
The anger that follows trauma
There are numerous emotional experiences that may result from a betrayal trauma: Loss and grief, sadness, depression, confusion, doubt, disgust, fear/insecurity, humiliation and anger/rage.
The anger that follows might be in the form of indignation. “How could you have done this to me? How dare you!” You might have experienced the affair as an injustice, a violation of a shared reality that was agreed upon. Anger is often a reaction to this kind of wrongdoing, to a traumatic experience done to us that feels so unfair that it defies description and understanding.
In short, anger is both a common and healthy reaction to traumatic transgressions, to violations against our boundaries, to assaults on mind and body.
The anger that protects
Anger can act as a protective shield, its energy and force creating a distance and barrier between people. When anger functions in this way, there is a protector part of you that is reminding the unfaithful partner of their wrongdoing and the emotional havoc their actions caused you.
The anger that protects is saying: “Look what you’ve done! You are responsible for this. I need you to understand the enormity of this!” This kind of anger also has a self-directed message for the betrayed: “Keep your guard up, don’t be vulnerable, don’t be foolish—it can happen again.”
The anger that protects keeps vulnerability at a minimum; it prevents the betrayed from opening themselves up to further injury.
The anger that reminds
Anger can act as a form of communication to the unfaithful partner. Here it acts as a reminder to the person who cheated, a reminder that even if the relationship is improving and can feel normal at times, there is still a significant amount of pain behind these periods of OK-ness.
It’s no surprise that the partner who cheated wants the relationship to go back to normal as quickly as possible. The ongoing distress and anger of the betrayed partner is a painful reminder to the unfaithful partner about the hurt they caused. So when things seem calm in the relationship, the unfaithful partner might feel reluctant to check in and ask about anything affair-related. This can be a real misstep, making the betrayed partner feel invalidated and alone in their suffering.
In these moments, quiet and calmness can actually trigger anger, sending the unfaithful partner the message: “Just because I’m not talking about the affair doesn’t mean I’m OK! I can’t be the only one who brings it up. You need to ask me about it and if I don’t want to talk about it, I will let you know!”
The anger that covers up (shame)
For many, being cheated on is a humiliating experience. Some never mention the pain they are in to family or friends because they feel ashamed. Ashamed by the behavior of their loved one; ashamed that they are deciding to stick it out and repair the relationship; ashamed of being identified, judged, and pitied as “wife/husband/partner who was cheated on.”
Some never mention the pain they are in to family or friends because they feel ashamed.
It might feel like you are sacrificing your integrity and self-respect by staying in the relationship. If this is occurring, a part of you may feel a considerable amount of shame about what has occurred and about your own decision not to leave. Beliefs such as “I should leave but I can’t” or “If I had better self-esteem I’d be gone by now” are indicative of this shame-based internal conflict.
One of the more challenging forms of affair-related anger is the anger stemming from this underlying shame. These shame-anger reactions can remain insulated (and therefore not transformed) from the healing work that is occurring in the relationship. This anger often persists and can last years if the underlying part(s) of you holding the shame is not accessed and worked on.
The anger that covers up (childhood/previous wounds)
For some, the emotional upheaval caused by the betrayal trauma sends reverberations to the wounds caused by previous traumatic experiences. Attachment wounds caused by an abusive caregiver or previous intimate partner can be reawakened by the impact of an affair — the triggering of these earlier traumas can exacerbate the pain and suffering caused by the affair.
The colliding of past and present traumas may not be immediately apparent. These past-present traumatic collisions may manifest as a deep despair and hopelessness; prolonged anxiety and self-doubt; anger and rage. There can be a sense of futility about life in general, in one’s attempts to feel emotionally safe with others and in the world. Withdrawal may result in an effort to manage these intense, disorienting experiences.
Intractable anger may result from the triggering of these deep-seated wounds. This anger may act as a protective shield that covers the vulnerability held in these wounded parts. At some point in the process of recovering from a betrayal trauma, it will be important to determine whether these past traumas are part of the recovery picture and in need of attention.
Recovering from post-affair anger
The softening of anger
The anger that protects and reminds usually settles back over time as the unfaithful partner works to rebuild and show that they are indeed trustworthy. They must also show that they have an understanding about what made them affair-prone and that they are taking the necessary steps to address why they cheated.
The softening of this protective anger allows the wounded partner to share their underlying pain in ways that can be potentially healing — healing only if the unfaithful partner is now able to show empathy, patience and understanding about the pain their infidelity caused.
The protective anger will remain locked in place if the betrayed partner continues to experience the unfaithful partner as unsafe, uninformed, or not fully committed to the difficult challenges inherent to healing.
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Anger is a natural reaction to trauma. And it is often part of the infidelity recovery journey. As the unfaithful partner works to make the betrayed partner feel emotionally safe, the intensity and frequency of anger will slowly diminish. This is a slow process even under the most ideal post-affair conditions. Couples should expect and prepare for this.
Unpacking the different meanings and functions of betrayal trauma anger is a vital part of the healing process.
Unpacking the different meanings and functions of betrayal trauma anger is a vital part of the healing process. If it turns out that anger is not subsiding, it can be important to explore whether there are continued safety concerns, whether there is underlying shame that is not being addressed, and/or whether there are previous traumas that have been triggered and need tending to.
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Rich Nicastro, PhD., is a clinical psychologist based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Nicastro is credentialed through PSYPACT, which allows him to work with individuals and couples in many states. To check whether your state is among those approved jurisdictions, click PSYPACT.
