We all have the potential to act in ways that contradict our own values, and in doing so, undertake actions that can be damaging to ourselves and, potentially, others. Yes, even “good” people can make “poor” behavioral choices. These self-contradictions can be difficult to make sense of and are often too easily explained away by casually affixing labels (such as narcissistic or antisocial) that at worst are inaccurate, and at best add little to our understanding of why so many of us act in ways that transgress what we consciously value.
You may have felt at times that you are your own worst enemy. You are certainly not alone in that feeling. Most of us have experienced mentally shoving aside the consequences of our actions, sometimes willfully ignoring the thought of future ramifications for what we’re doing today, sometimes working hard to come up with rationalizations for why a certain transgression may be okay in the long run.
Whenever we behave in ways that contradict the values we hold, however, the end result is likely emotional distress. There are certain exceptionally high-stakes circumstances, such as military combat, that propel someone to behave in ways that, under normal circumstances, they never would. The concept of moral injury was developed to understand the long-term emotional suffering caused by the life-and-death decisions soldiers are forced to make during active combat (Litz, et el., 2009).
Moral injury (MI) is defined by Brock and Lettini (2012) as:
“a deep sense of transgression including feelings of shame, grief, meaninglessness, and remorse from having violated core moral beliefs” (p xiv).
It is thought that “moral distress” turns into the more pervasive suffering called moral injury when the moral violations are repeated and the impact to self is long-lasting.
There is a significant emotional cost when our actions conflict with our values, when we firmly believe in fairness/justice, respect, kindness, loyalty and honesty, and yet we simultaneously live a secretive life that transgresses these self-defining values.
Betrayal trauma and moral injury
In a previous article, I wrote about the cheating spouse’s/partner’s entrenched shame and guilt that can block the continuation of the affair recovery process. When overt or hidden shame is pervasive, it’s important to explore whether a moral injury has resulted, one that might be negatively impacting the couple’s ability to heal from the infidelity.
Clearly the spouse or partner who cheated didn’t make the decision to cheat under the high-stakes, life-and-death conditions that can lead to moral injury in soldiers, law enforcement personnel and other first responders. But in working with couples coping with the aftermath of an affair, it has been my experience that a considerable level of moral distress can result for the betrayed and/or unfaithful partner just the same.
When moral distress is an element of the betrayal fallout, couples can progress in the affair recovery process in significant ways only to find themselves stuck, not able to move beyond a certain level of relational repair.
There can be numerous reasons for this, but one that is often not examined in the counseling treatment of infidelity is the impact that moral distress and moral injury have on one or both partners.
Moral injury of the betrayed spouse/partner
“I thought we both believed in mutual respect, honesty—and, what’s most important for me—loyalty. The sharing of these values made me feel safe. I couldn’t ever have gotten close to Wendy if I didn’t believe that they were a central part of who she is too. She says that these values are still important to her, but her affair tells me otherwise. She not only shattered my trust, she shattered who I thought she was.” ~Ginnifer, married to her partner for eleven years
Ginnifer told me that she “feels like the biggest fool on the planet.” She feels disrespected and betrayed. And while she and Wendy have worked hard to rebuild trust and understand the reasons behind Wendy’s infidelity, Ginnifer is highly conflicted about staying with her wife, even if trust and emotional security are reestablished.
“I feel like I would be giving up my dignity if I stay. Wendy isn’t making me feel this way. I’m doing this to myself. In staying, I am violating myself, my values about what is and isn’t acceptable. While I want to stay and work things out, at the same time I feel ashamed of myself for not leaving.”
For many of the betrayed partners/spouses I’ve worked with, the decision to stay and work on recovering from an affair isn’t an easy one. The wounds caused by the betrayal need to be worked through. The painstaking task of reestablishing emotional safety and security require a great deal of time and energy, as well as psychological and emotional resources.
And then there is the dilemma of what it means to stay with a person who has deeply hurt you; the meaning one takes from this is often informed by the values and morals they hold.
But this isn’t necessarily straightforward, because in deciding to stay and work through the fallout of an affair, you may find that certain values you hold are in opposition to one another. For instance, the values and need for predictability, self-respect and dignity might be causing you to lean toward leaving the relationship, while a strong belief in the values of forgiveness and grace might be pulling you in a different direction.
Moral distress and moral injury need to be explored as possible factors in the pain you might be struggling with. Exploring the powerful feelings that arise from moral injury can be helpful in clearing the pathway forward if you decide to work on affair recovery.
Moral injury of the unfaithful partner
“For most of my adult life, I prided myself on being a ‘family man.’ Someone with integrity, someone who could be relied upon to do the right thing, no matter what. If you had asked me if I ever thought I could cheat on my wife, I would have called you nuts for even asking me that. Now I can’t even look in the mirror because I actually cheated on the woman I love. How the hell am I ever going to come back from that?” ~Ajay, married for six years
It would be easy to understand an affair as the result of a relationship that has become loveless. But the more complicated paradox is that many unfaithful partners do genuinely profess their love for the person they’ve betrayed. And they do experience considerable distress when they fully process the consequences of their actions.
To simply label the unfaithful partner as “cheater” assumes that their betrayal resulted from significant flaws in their character, a broken moral code and lack of conscience that failed to guide them. The truly morally vacuous individual rarely—if ever—shows empathy, and if they do feel distress over what they’ve done, their pain is usually associated with the fact that their life has now been turned upside-down—this is the pain of personal inconvenience rather than the pain of empathy for hurting someone you love and care about.
In previous articles, I’ve written about how unresolved trauma from the past can make someone vulnerable to acting out, to reenacting echoes of that buried trauma that damage oneself and, possibly, others. Essential to this type of trauma-based acting out is the use (often the overuse) of dissociative compartmentalization as a means of dealing with painful relational and emotional experiences.
Some of us have become experts at psychologically twisting ourselves so that avoidance and self-estrangement from emotional pain have become the primary way of navigating life.
The use of compartmentalization makes us vulnerable to abandoning our most cherished and closely-held values and principles, especially when we are overwhelmed by the stresses of life. Compartmentalization also makes us capable of temporarily mentally blotting out those we love and care about in our effort to chase some form of self-medicating emotional rush that ultimately only exacerbates our problems.
But we cannot compartmentalize our life forever. Sooner or later our actions catch up with us. This might result from the inevitable wear and tear that unhealthy acting out has on the mind and body. Or it may result from the betrayed partner’s discovery of the secret life being led alongside the “known” life, a constellation of behaviors that have violated the commitments made to self and others.
In these moments, when compartmentalization can no longer keep the blinders in place, a devastating (though necessary) crash occurs: the values you’ve turned your back on through compartmentalization are juxtaposed with the consequences of your actions. Moral distress is likely at this point.
The full impact of realizing that you’ve traumatized your loved one leads to a type of self-betrayal. This also results from the reconnection to the values you dissociated from during the affair. Guilt, shame and self-condemnation often result from this type of self-betrayal, one fueled by moral distress that can solidify into a moral injury.
~~~
Moral distress is often a factor in the affair recovery process. It may be important for one or both partners to openly explore the core values and beliefs that have been challenged by the betrayal trauma. If this part of the betrayal trauma remains underground and unarticulated, the healing process might be stalled and cause one or both of you to feel hopeless about rebuilding your lives together.
Rich Nicastro, PhD, is a clinical psychologist based in Austin, Texas. With twenty-five years of experience, he works with individuals and couples on a wide range of emotional and relational issues. He offers teletherapy in over thirty U.S. states.
Article References:
Brock, R. N., & Lettini, G. (2012). Soul Repair: Recovering from Moral Injury after War. Beacon Press.
Litz, B.T., et el. (2009) Moral injury and moral repair in war veterans: A preliminary model and intervention strategy. Clinical Psychology Review, 29, 695-706.
