“I think I’m losing my mind, I keep thinking about Lee’s affair and what he did. I’m flooded with a thousand questions about why he cheated and what they did together. I can’t turn it off.”
Samantha shared her frustration in one of our infidelity counseling sessions. The spiral of obsessive thoughts about her husband’s affair was a clear indicator that she was traumatized by the betrayal. She described feeling assaulted not only by the infidelity itself, but also by what her mind was now doing to her one year after finding out about his affair. “It feels like there’s an enemy inside my mind,” she reported. “And I feel powerless in the face of all those relentless thoughts.”
Obsessive thoughts turn into obsessive questioning
Intrusive thoughts like Samantha’s are a common and extremely painful symptom of what has been called Post Infidelity Stress Disorder. A once peaceful and content mind can now rev out of control with thoughts, images and imaginings about the specifics of the affair.
One insidious form of trauma-induced obsessive thinking is the “need to know” exactly what happened between one’s spouse/partner and the affair partner, down to a granular level of detail. Often there is a simultaneous desire to know all the specifics alongside the strong self-protective desire to not know. Yes, both of these seemingly incompatible states of mind (“tell me everything!” and “I don’t want to know any details!”) can exist within the same moments.
The unrelenting drive to know all the particulars about the affair, details about both sexual and nonsexual activities, can be one of the most difficult Post Infidelity Stress Disorder symptoms to overcome.
And when you are in a traumatized state of mind, answers to questions about the specifics of what transpired rarely put one’s pain to rest . . . and unsurprisingly, it can deepen the pain.
The agonizing dilemma in all this is that you can also feel tortured by not knowing, by wondering what the truth is and by filling in the gaps using your own imagination (and your imagination may paint an even more horrible picture of what actually happened). Humans are wired to find answers to open questions; we naturally believe information-gathering can help us out of trouble. But in this case, more information isn’t necessarily a good thing. Herein lies the quandary.
There is no easy solution to this specific type of affair recovery pain (the pain of obsessively “needing to know” the minutia about the affair). It’s important to note that it should not be up to the person who cheated to determine which truths are disclosed and which aren’t. Information about what has occurred is essential — the secrecy that surrounds the affair needs to be shattered for true healing to occur. However, this doesn’t mean that unearthing every piece of information will ultimately be beneficial for the betrayed partner.
The challenge is that some who have experienced the pain of a betrayal trauma (or repeated betrayal traumas) feel compelled to know explicit details about sexual acts that ultimately make them feel worse. Such details are often retraumatizing.
What prolongs the all-consuming-questioning about the affair?
As mentioned above, it is common to become consumed by the traumatic details of the affair. This is part of the acute phase of the post-affair fallout, the constant rumination about it, the intrusive thoughts that slam you at every turn, the desperate press to know the truth. And it’s also common to start to feel better at some point only to get triggered and feel like you are back to the starting line of your healing journey. Though extremely painful, this circuitous affair recovery process is to be expected.
Despite the inherently erratic recovery process, there are certain relationship dynamics that can inadvertently keep the traumatized partner stuck in the acute affair recovery phase, interactive patterns that, if they remain unaddressed, will undermine the infidelity healing process.
Here are four dynamics that keep the betrayed partner stuck, patterns that keep the symptoms of intrusive thoughts/questions spinning out of control:
1. There are inconsistencies in the initial disclosure about the affair.
2. The affair story changes over time (which can cause the betrayed partner to remain insecurely attached for prolonged periods of time).
3. Secrets remain, causing the betrayed spouse/partner to sense that important information is being withheld. This can cause trust and emotional security to become compromised.
4. The partner who cheated becomes emotionally distant or apathetic about the work required to rebuild the relationship.
Any one of the above four issues can keep the traumatized partner in an ongoing state of uncertainty and insecurity. In this anxious-insecure state of mind, obsessive thoughts and questions about the details of what has occurred are more likely to be heightened.
The underlying anxiety and insecurity that fuels the repetitive questioning is too often overlooked because there is such a hyper-focus on “getting at the truth.” In these moments, the betrayed spouse/partner is feeling disconnected and alone in the space of suffering. Asking questions may be a way of engaging the partner who cheated, a desperate attempt to both make sense of what happened and as a way to feel less alone with the enormity of it all.
But when the focus is only on the content of what happened rather than the current experience of isolation that is characteristic to post-infidelity suffering, answers to questions may do little to relieve the traumatized partner’s pain. In these moments the betrayed is needing to be emotionally seen by the other, to deeply feel that the partner who cheated “fully gets” the level of devastation that has occurred.
Turning obsessive thoughts and questions into opportunities for healing
It is no easy task to connect with the very person who caused your pain. The paradox in infidelity healing is that quite often the betrayer must at some point become the one who comforts, the one who bears witness with patience, love and understanding.
There will be times when you are flooded with questions and in these moments feel a desperate need to revisit the facts of the affair. These are moments of enormous pain, of suffering and of complete emotional isolation.
Is it possible that in some of these moments, what is needed — even more than information about what happened — is to have your partner/spouse become a consistent and caring witness to your suffering? To have them show up ready to be emotionally present and sympathetic when your sadness weighs you down? For them to genuinely reassure you when your anxiety consumes you? And for them to act as an emotional anchor even when your sadness turns to anger?
At some point in a couple’s healing journey, I ask them to consider the possibility that perhaps the obsessive thoughts and questions are no longer about needing to know the facts of what happened, but instead are signs that the betrayed is feeling painfully alone and isolated, in need of a witness to his/her suffering.
~~~
Rich Nicastro, PhD is a clinical psychologist with more than twenty-five years of experience working with individuals and couples. He offers telecounseling sessions to clients throughout the United States.
