Buried Pain: Childhood Trauma’s Impact on Infidelity

The lingering effects of childhood abuse can manifest in complicated ways, shaping how adult survivors of abuse see themselves and how they interact with others. Many survivors of childhood abuse adopt coping strategies to manage the psychological after-effects of the abuse, even if those strategies remain largely automatic or subconscious. For instance, as a means of self-protection, barriers may have been erected to prevent close intimate connections, even with trusted loved ones. These psychological walls serve to keep others at arm’s length while guarding one’s deepest vulnerabilities. 

The fragmented and traumatized parts within us—despite being hidden—yearn for healing and integration. And leaving childhood trauma unaddressed can have profound consequences on relationships with others and your relationship with yourself.  

Reenactment: The echoes of past trauma in the present 

Have you ever noticed patterns in your life or relationships that seem eerily familiar? Do you find yourself unknowingly repeating behaviors, roles, and emotions that stem from your family-of-origin struggles?

Reenactment is the term used by psychologists to describe the repetition of early childhood dynamics in our adult lives. Early traumas act as imprints that shape the paths we take and the destinations we reach. Even if we desire to explore new territory, these imprints can steer us back to familiar and potentially harmful patterns.

Similar to how a magnet attracts iron filings, reenactment pulls us toward circumstances that mirror our unresolved (and sometimes hidden) pain.

From a psychoanalytic perspective, reenactment can be likened to a powerful magnet that draws us toward situations reminiscent of our past traumas. Similar to how a magnet attracts iron filings, reenactment pulls us toward circumstances that mirror our unresolved (and sometimes hidden) pain. It is the unconscious repetition of past traumatic dynamics in our present lives. It’s as if we find ourselves cast and recast in a never-ending play, reenacting scenes from our past with different people and across various settings, while the emotional themes and outcomes remain unchanged.

These repetitions may appear puzzling or even self-destructive, but one possible reason for their occurrence is that the unconscious wounded parts of us, frozen in past traumas, seek expression in complicated ways in the hope of finding resolution and healing. However, these unconscious repetitions of trauma do little to resolve the frozen pain within; instead, they can inflict emotional damage on both oneself and others.

Let’s examine the intricate interplay between secrecy, reenactment, and unresolved trauma.

Example 1: Sarah’s Story

Sarah, a survivor of childhood physical and emotional abuse, has learned to shield herself from vulnerability by withholding certain aspects of her inner world. She carefully selects what she reveals to her partner, Jamal, only allowing him access to the parts she deems acceptable. Behind a wall of shame and fear, Sarah conceals the wounded parts of herself that feel deeply unworthy and broken. Unfortunately, direct access to these self-parts seems impossible due to the overwhelming self-loathing, disgust, and shame they carry. Despite Jamal’s kindness and love, the lingering affects of Sarah’s trauma remain locked away.

Sarah’s intellectual understanding and awareness of Jamal’s love for her fails to have a significant impact on the deeply wounded parts of Sarah. Despite knowing, on a conscious level, that Jamal is trustworthy and caring, this knowledge alone cannot heal Sarah’s inner childhood scars.

This protective self-compartmentalization helps maintain a distance that shields elements of Sarah’s pain while simultaneously blocking the permeation of love into those deep-seated wounds. As a result, the wounds that bear the heavy remnants of her childhood trauma continue to exert their influence and maintain a grip on her emotional life. 

In her struggle to engage with her past traumas, Sarah has unwittingly developed a reliance on secrecy as a means of engagement. By leading a hidden life, she finds a portal through which her wounded, shame-based parts can express themselves. 

Sarah has told Jamal that she’s taking a class Tuesday evenings, but in reality, she’s been heading to a bar two towns away, where she allows herself no more than two drinks over the course of the evening, and where she hits the dance floor and dances by herself. There have been occasions where strangers have approached her and offered to buy her drinks, or have asked if she’ll dance with them. Sometimes she engages in conversation with these men (always giving a fake name), and the excitement of the novel attention her Tuesday night persona receives contradicts the sense of unworthiness contained in the wounded parts of her.

So far she has not done anything more than talk to or dance with the strangers that have expressed interest in her, but she realizes that living this secret life is a betrayal of Jamal’s trust. So she continues to hide it from him. And because this attention-seeking behavior momentarily erases her chronic self-doubts, she’s fearful that she might cross other boundaries with these anonymous men and may be vulnerable to affairs.

Paradoxically, engaging in these secretive evenings away from home provides a distorted sense of expression and a fleeting sense of intensity and relief for Sarah. It is as if these wounded parts, desperate for any form of recognition, find solace in the respite from emotional isolation.

Paradoxically, engaging in these secretive evenings away from home provides a distorted sense of expression and a fleeting sense of intensity and relief for Sarah. It is as if these wounded parts, desperate for any form of recognition, find solace in the respite from emotional isolation. 

While she grapples with the guilt and inner conflict that arise from engaging in behaviors misaligned with her values, there is an undeniable allure in the intensity that momentarily pierces the numbness required to keep her pain exiled. However, this will perpetuate the cycle of trauma-based secrecy throughout Sarah’s life, unless and until she confronts and processes the childhood traumas that long ago occurred in secrecy.

It is crucial to recognize that these contradictory actions are not a reflection of Sarah’s true desires or character, but rather a manifestation of her unresolved traumas seeking an outlet. The intense feelings generated in these moments are a distorted semblance of emotional connection, even if they ultimately exacerbate the underlying pain and reinforce her beliefs of unworthiness by betraying her own values and her partner. 

Example 2: David’s story

David, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, bears the weight of shame, fear, and self-loathing stemming from his victimization. However, these deep-seated wounds remain concealed beneath a façade of physical strength and a rigid, masculine identity, one that dismisses individuals who openly express their emotions. When questioned about his emotional well-being, David emphasizes the insignificance of feelings, noting their historical tendency to “get in my way.” He prides himself on his problem-solving skills and ability to get things done. 

The over-reliance on stoic masculinity shields David against the painful memories and unresolved issues that continue to haunt him. By adopting a persona of physical prowess and subscribing to stultifying expectations of what it means to be a man, he hopes to project an image of invulnerability and strength. In doing so, David unconsciously distances himself from the vulnerability associated with acknowledging and addressing his emotional pain.

For David, emotions are viewed as an obstacle rather than a valuable aspect of human experience. He has learned, through his traumatic past, that being vulnerable can leave one susceptible to further harm. Consequently, he has come to believe that emotions only serve to impede his progress in life. By suppressing and devaluing his emotional world, David attempts to regain a sense of control and protect himself from potential re-traumatization.

The deeply hidden and traumatized parts of David hold the expectation that abuse or misfortune are inevitable, leading him to anticipate disaster in various aspects of his life. He views positive experiences with suspicion and, at best, as temporary placeholders while he waits for adversity to strike. 

In an attempt to gain control over his anticipated suffering, David takes preemptive action by orchestrating “forbidden” sexual experiences rather than passively enduring the pain of boundary violations. Paradoxically, despite lacking control over his compulsive sexual behaviors, David finds fleeting moments of empowerment through engaging in sexual activity. 

These brief instances of power serve as a form of self-medication, helping him temporarily distance himself from and alleviate the deep-seated terror and helplessness he experienced during childhood sexual abuse. He has a long history of being unfaithful to his partners, and whenever expectations for a deeper commitment was expressed by his partner, David became uncomfortable and began acting out with affair partners—an acting-out that helped him avoid the underlying trauma-based terror triggered by the prospect of deeper commitment and greater self-exposure. 

By dismissing his emotional life and relying on sex as a form of self-medication (rather than a means of emotional connection), David inadvertently perpetuates painful cycles of loneliness, shame and self-loathing that exist just beneath his masculine facade of self-confidence.

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Sarah and David’s stories serve as poignant examples that shed light on the wide-ranging consequences of unresolved childhood abuse. These examples underscore the broader implications associated with behaviors like infidelity, compulsive sexuality, addiction, depression, chronic loneliness, secrecy and lying, all of which can be linked to unaddressed trauma. 

Individuals who have experienced trauma often grapple with a profound fear of being judged, rejected, or harmed once again. They relentlessly criticize themselves and struggle to believe that they are deserving of love and fulfillment. The scars from past experiences leave behind a persistent sense of shame and self-doubt, making it challenging to trust their partner, or anyone else for that matter, completely. This internal landscape becomes a complex psychological labyrinth, trapping them with a profound feeling of being utterly isolated, without a clear way out.

Within this maze, these individuals navigate a tumultuous journey, one part yearning for genuine understanding and acceptance, while another remains convinced that such solace is impossible. The idea of vulnerability itself, of opening up and exposing their true selves, causes considerable distress. The fear of being fully seen—with all their past wounds—becomes an insurmountable barrier. Their minds conjure up scenarios of judgment, rejection, and further harm, reinforcing the belief that it is safer to remain guarded and hidden, even with someone they have been in a relationship with for many years.

A battle rages within: on one side, the wounded parts of the psyche, longing for connection and understanding; on the other, the self-protective parts, driven by the instinct to avoid further pain. The metaphoric emotional straitjacket that results leaves you susceptible to patterns of secretive self-expression. The world of secrecy can shimmer like a mirage, offering the hope of freedom from the maze of suffering. But attempts to free yourself by returning to the mirage of secrecy only perpetuate the maze and reinforce the negative impact of unresolved childhood trauma on your inner world.  

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Rich Nicastro, PhD., is a licensed clinical psychologist based in Austin, Texas. He has over twenty-five years of experience working with childhood trauma and betrayal trauma. Dr. Nicastro is credentialed through PSYPACT, which allows him to work with individuals and couples in many states. To check whether your state is among those approved jurisdictions, click PSYPACT.