Pain might have brought you to this article. The heartache of being betrayed by someone you love and trust is among the most painful, disorienting experiences anyone can face. During the infidelity aftermath, many betrayed partners are overwhelmed by intense feelings and consumed with questions about what has occurred, and why. You might be trying to make sense of this traumatic experience and figure out whether there are any pathways forward for you. . .and for your relationship.
Emotional pain is often the initial motivator in finding help. It can lead you to search for information and resources on coping with infidelity, to reach out to friends and family for support, and to seek professional help when needed. For those struggling to survive infidelity, the pain caused by the trauma is considerable. And the looming reality that the relationship may not survive is all too real. The possibility of such a seismic loss is another powerful motivator to repair the damage caused by the betrayal.
At some point, however, pain and the threat of relational loss isn’t enough to sustain the infidelity recovery process. Another motivator needs to emerge.
Surviving infidelity: The role of hope
Healing after infidelity is an immensely challenging journey. There may be times when you or your partner want to give up. The pain of staying together and working on the relationship might feel insurmountable. Or there might not be any clear signs that things are improving (or worse, there might be signs that the relationship is deteriorating further).
Many couples who have survived infidelity state that it was a tiny glimmer of hope that held them together and helped them to persevere while working on their relationship. This hope encompasses several essential elements: the belief that their anguish will eventually subside, coupled with a genuine and profound remorse from the partner who strayed, as well as the unfaithful partner’s sincere dedication to understanding the gravity of their actions.
There is also hope that the unfaithful partner has genuinely transformed and now embodies trustworthiness, with the assurance that such betrayal will never reoccur. The betrayed and unfaithful partners may, at some point, hope to find and receive forgiveness as a means to liberate themselves from the heavy emotional burdens they now carry. And many hold onto the hopeful belief that their relationship will not only weather this storm, but also emerge stronger than before.
The building blocks of hope
Let’s take a closer look at what goes into the experience of hoping.
Hope encompasses both a feeling and a belief. It holds the possibility that positive change and desirable outcomes remain attainable, even amidst uncertainty and adversity.
Hope is future directed. We long for positive experiences in the near future (I hope I can find forgiveness and release my anger); or for certain undesirable scenarios to be averted (I hope he chooses not to leave me).
The act of hoping often involves identifying the necessary steps required to achieve our desired outcome. Additionally, for many individuals, hope is rooted in the belief that their own abilities and actions can ultimately bring about what they yearn for (Snyder, 2000). It is important to note that this belief does not have to be unwavering in order for hope to exist; even in the presence of doubt, a glimmer of hope can persist.
In the face of uncertainty, it’s entirely possible (and very normal) for one part of ourselves to hold onto a glimmer of hope while another part struggles with painful doubts.
In the face of uncertainty, it’s entirely possible (and very normal) for one part of ourselves to hold onto a glimmer of hope while another part struggles with painful doubts. The coexistence of these contrasting emotions is a testament to the complex nature of hope
Infidelity recovery and the cyclical nature of hope
Acute phase
For many who have survived infidelity, hope is rarely steady. Hope wavers for many reasons along the affair recovery journey.
In order for your relationship to survive infidelity, it’s important to recognize that hope may not exist at a consistent level throughout the rebuilding process. In fact, there may be times when hope is nonexistent and times when it is felt strongly. During this recovery phase, hope can quickly climb, then plummet without explanation, a vacillation that is confusing to understand and painful to experience.
There are several factors that may impact your capacity to hope.
For the betrayed partner it is the sheer level of pain that can erase any experience of hope. When one’s life has been completely upended, it becomes exceedingly difficult to envision a future filled with hope. Given the tumultuous nature of the post-affair discovery period, it’s not uncommon to feel a profound absence of hope.
Acknowledging that the journey toward regaining hope is a gradual process is crucial. Initially, as the weight of anguish consumes you, hope may seem distant and unattainable. However, as the intensity of pain begins to lessen, a subtle yet noticeable shift occurs. But it might feel too dangerous to allow hope in at this time, since emotional survival and self-protection are heightened needs.
The betrayed also holds onto the hope that the unfaithful partner will take responsibility for their actions and take the necessary measures to mitigate the damage done. It is imperative for the unfaithful partner to exhibit a consistent (not perfect) pattern of self-examination and personal growth that allows them to actively support the healing process of the wounded partner. Empathy, patience and trustworthiness play indispensable roles in facilitating the journey toward healing and restoration.
Intermediate phase
During the process of recovering from an affair, ongoing commitment to rebuilding serves as a vital safety net, particularly during moments when hope seems scarce. It is often an individual’s or couple’s enduring commitment that carries them forward even during intense struggles. But there comes a point where commitment alone cannot carry the weight of the recovery process without the revitalizing influence of hope. Concrete reasons to hope, tangible evidence that things will improve, must be present.
Hope becomes a beacon of encouragement, lending strength and resilience to navigate through the challenges that lie ahead.
Hope becomes a beacon of encouragement, lending strength and resilience to navigate through the challenges that lie ahead.
Throughout the journey of healing from infidelity, hope is revitalized through consistency — the consistent honoring of agreements, the prioritizing and fulfillment of promises made as one moves forward. This is commitment in action. An active demonstration of taking responsibility for the actions that led to the betrayal. Taking the agreed upon steps needed to rebuild trust brick by brick. It is this consistent commitment-in-action that paves the way for genuine healing and the restoration of trust.
Betrayal, by its very nature, involves the violation of promises and agreements. Because of this, the process of healing hinges upon future commitments and promises being kept. And because reliable follow-through is essential to healing, it’s important for the unfaithful partner to evaluate whether they are making commitments and promises that can be kept. It is essential to be upfront and transparent from the outset if a particular commitment or promise cannot be honored. The goal is to prevent the re-traumatization of the betrayed partner and the potential shattering of trust once again.
During the healing journey, it is not uncommon for one or both partners to feel overwhelmed and occasionally display impatience or frustration due to setbacks or the perceived slow rate of progress. While this should not become the prevailing pattern of engagement, it is crucial to address these moments and make repair attempts. Consistent efforts to repair missteps help transform moments of disconnection back to reconnection. These reparative moments are essential in keeping hope alive.
Integration phase
There are numerous parts to the integration phase of infidelity recovery. The foundational aspects of the intermediate phase, including commitment, openness, engagement, reliable follow-through, and repair efforts after setbacks, start to become more deeply ingrained and customary.
While the affair is still acknowledged as a significant event, it no longer defines the entirety of the relationship.
While the affair is still acknowledged as a significant event, it no longer defines the entirety of the relationship. The underlying issues that contributed to the unfaithful partner’s susceptibility to infidelity have been addressed and continue to receive attention.
During this phase, space is held for the betrayed’s pain when triggers arise. However, there is a notable shift in perspective. The positive changes and growth that have occurred by both individuals are not erased or undermined by these challenging moments. Instead, there is a recognition that the progress made remains intact, serving as a source of strength and ongoing hope through such challenging times.
Hope can still waver if the betrayed partner feels they can no longer bring their pain to their spouse/partner. In these instances, when the betrayed partner receives the direct or indirect message that they “should have moved on” from the affair because a certain amount of time has elapsed, it detrimentally impacts the hope that has been instrumental in sustaining the healing journey.
The unfaithful partner may experience a loss of hope when they perceive that their efforts toward improvement are unnoticed or having little impact. This sensitive issue is further compounded by the fact that rebuilding trust for the betrayed partner often requires a substantial amount of time, demanding the unfaithful partner’s unwavering patience. However, as the unfaithful partner begins to feel increasingly powerless in facilitating the healing process, their active involvement in the recovery process may diminish. They may hesitate to express these feelings due to the pain they have caused. Yet disregarding these feelings only leads to the accumulation of negative feelings, ultimately undermining the very process of healing.
During this phase, it is also beneficial for both individuals to recognize the positive changes within the relationship, changes that were absent in the pre-affair period. These changes might encompass more openness and a willingness to engage in discussions that were previously avoided. It could involve more intentional efforts to address and repair the connection following conflicts, actively working toward mutual understanding and resolution. Additionally, prioritizing self-care becomes paramount, allowing for the effective management of stress that may have historically had a detrimental impact on the relationship.
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The journey of healing and surviving infidelity is not an easy one. It begins with the pain of the betrayal, which drives individuals to seek understanding and support. While pain and the threat of losing the relationship can serve as initial motivators, they may not be enough to sustain the recovery process. This is where hope steps in, acting as a beacon of light during the darkest moments.
Hope plays a crucial role in the aftermath of infidelity. It holds couples together, giving them the strength to persevere and work on their relationship. In the aftermath of infidelity, hope is not merely a passive bystander. It is an active force that requires care and attention. But hope should never be used to ignore or dismiss the pain or gravity of the betrayal. Instead, it allows for the integration of pain into the healing process.
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Rich Nicastro, PhD., is a licensed clinical psychologist with twenty-five years of experience based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Nicastro is credentialed through PSYPACT, which allows him to work with individuals and couples in many states. To check whether your state is among those approved jurisdictions, click PSYPACT.
Article Reference
Snyder, C.R. (2000). Handbook of Hope: Theory, Measures, and Applications. Academic Press.
