Merriam-Webster defines betrayal as being “treacherously abandoned, deserted, or mistreated.” While there are different kinds of betrayals that lead to different emotional outcomes, often the betrayed is left in an overwhelming state of emotional distress due to the actions of a loved one.
Disorienting shock waves can continue long after the initial discovery of a betrayal.
In short, the betrayed person has been traumatized, and central to this trauma are the multiple losses that have resulted. These losses set in motion a complex grieving process that can leave the betrayed profoundly ungrounded and in enormous emotional pain.
For the betrayal trauma recovery process to progress, it is necessary to identify the different types of losses that are part of the trauma reaction. One or more of the losses below might be part of the psychological fallout you’re trying to make sense of.
The four losses caused by a betrayal trauma
1) Loss of other-trust (loss of the person you knew)
“The moment I discovered my wife was having an affair, she became a stranger to me. No longer recognizing her as the same person I’ve known for the last decade of my life was the most difficult part of it for me.” ~ Austin, age 46
There’s extensive research that shows that a secure attachment and emotional bond are essential to a meaningful relationship. But many of us know this by living it, we don’t need research to prove it. The security achieved in relationships is partly due to a deep understanding and knowledge about each other.
A deep knowing of the other anchors us. This level of knowing assures and reassures us. When the person we intimately know and trust shatters our trust, the betrayer becomes unfamiliar, someone who no longer appears to have our best interests in mind. You may now perceive a callous, uncaring, or selfish version of the person you once trusted. The question “How could you of all people have done this to me?!” captures how tumultuous this kind of trauma is.
When the person we intimately know and trust shatters our trust, the betrayer becomes unfamiliar, someone who no longer appears to have our best interests in mind.
Austin’s statement above speaks to the type of psychic death this kind of loss involves—the loss of the person you’ve come to deeply know and rely upon.
2) Loss of self-trust (plagued by self-doubt)
“The self-doubt I feel after finding out my partner Aaron was living a double life is near debilitating. Six months later I’m still reeling, unable to trust my own perceptions and abilities to make sound decisions.” ~ Samuel, age 37
To be in an intimate relationship with another person and to be open to their love and influence means that we are also connecting deeply to ourselves — to our feelings, needs, desires and longings. Our emotional life guides us and informs us about the health of our relationship.
We rely on our feelings, intuition and instincts in order to navigate the complex and sometimes challenging terrain of relationships. Betrayal trauma can trigger massive self-doubt, the kind that can interfere with heretofore reliable machinations of our minds, like logic and reason and deduction. “I can’t seem to make sense of what’s occurring right before my eyes,” many betrayed clients plagued by self-doubt have said to me. This can take the form of questioning whether ongoing betrayals are actually happening. Or we may doubt our ability to perceive events accurately, constantly questioning what is real and what is imagined.
The loss of self-trust and the subsequent doubt that follows can lead to intense and ongoing anxiety that immobilizes the betrayed, a level of anxiety that sometimes makes it difficult to follow through on self-care and life maintenance tasks.
3) Loss of a shared past
“The love I feel for Guillermo is partly built on the history of our life together. Now when I look back it feels like everything we’ve created together was built on a lie.” ~ Katie, age 51
The emotional fallout of a betrayal trauma doesn’t exist neatly within the confines of the present. This psychological trauma often radiates backwards, shining a caustic, interrogative light on a couple’s shared history.
This psychological trauma often radiates backwards, shining a caustic, interrogative light on a couple’s shared history.
Meaningful events in the past that were previously cherished and celebrated are now harshly reexamined through a lens of distrust and suspicion. This can mark a substantial loss for both individuals.
The disorganizing pain of betrayal can lead the traumatized partner to cast a wide net in this historical re-evaluation, viewing all shared memories as questionable and therefore robbing them of meaning. If this occurs, the bonding moments of a shared past once vital to the relationship fade away or feel unreal.
4) Loss of an anticipated future
“I loved planning our weekends and vacations, imagining our future when our nest was empty. We loved sharing our hopes about what retirement would look like. After discovering my husband’s affair, I feel foolish having spent all that time and energy on our future, as if it had been a given.” ~ Louisa, age 63
Anticipating the particulars of a shared future can infuse a relationship with excitement and vitality. It can also be emotionally grounding in that it can bring a couple closer together.
The betrayed loses a hoped-for future (at least during the early part of the betrayal trauma recovery process). Insecurities and doubts about the future of the relationship now predominate. Survival mode takes over. A future-focus may now center around questions about whether the relationship will survive; what steps need to be taken in order to rebuild; can trust and security ever be restored; what happens if things do not work out.
In short, a future that was previously filled with hope and possibility is replaced with one filled with anxiety and uncertainty.
~~~
Grief — and grief work — are an important part of the healing process after a betrayal trauma. If you have suffered the trauma of a betrayal, you’ve experienced a significant series of losses — of what was, of a cherished past, of an anticipated future, and of the familiarity and security that were central to your life.
You might be struggling with one or more of the above losses. It’s important to identify which of these losses are impacting you so that the particulars of your pain can be worked on in your healing journey.
Rich Nicastro, PhD is a clinical psychologist with twenty-five years of experience working with individuals and couples. He specializes in working with betrayal trauma dynamics and he offers teletherapy sessions for individuals and couples throughout the United States. You can email him here.
