If you are reading this article, you might be dealing firsthand with the painful aftershocks of an affair — a psychological, emotional and relational disruption that can quickly turn your life inside-out.
Learning that your partner has been unfaithful is traumatic; the deeply held assumptions and beliefs you’ve had about the person you love (and have trusted) are dramatically altered, and as a result, you’ve been robbed of the relational foundation that was central to your life. Because of that, you may now be experiencing a range of post-traumatic symptoms.
Despite the pain, it is important to note that healing from an affair is possible. Because surviving infidelity isn’t a simple, linear process, however, the road to repair takes commitment and perseverance.
There may be times when feelings of depression and hopelessness overwhelm you, when anger and despair consume you, when the urge to end the relationship is all you can think about. Anxiety, insecurity and suspiciousness can rattle you at your core.
These painful, emotional way-stations on the journey toward affair recovery are common and should be understood as a natural part of the healing process. Self-care becomes paramount in dealing with these overwhelming emotions. Support from trusted others is often essential, especially in the acute phase of the post-affair recovery process.
Surviving infidelity: Healing takes time
In order to survive infidelity as a couple, and in order to build a secure and meaningful post-affair union, the trauma of the betrayal needs to be dealt with properly.
It’s not uncommon for one spouse/partner (usually the unfaithful partner) to feel at some point that they’ve talked about the affair “enough” and that further discussion about what has occurred is “only making things worse.”
When this occurs, there may be subtle or overt pressure for the traumatized partner to stop sharing their emotional struggles. “Let’s move forward…we had a better week, why do we have to talk about it again?” is often the sentiment of the spouse/partner who is ready to put the affair behind them.
Stopping communication prematurely shuts down the healing process
But too often couples do not talk about the infidelity enough (or in ways that can be healing) and they end up sweeping it under the rug in an effort to get back to a life that feels somewhat normal. The desire to move past the pain of an affair is understandable, but the danger in a rushed or short-sighted approach is that full healing is prevented because the trauma has not been fully worked through.
If the betrayal trauma is not given the attention required for healing to occur, a “new normal” can settle over the relationship that can temporarily give couples the emotional relief they desire. But this new normal can be problematic in the long run and sabotage the future stability of the relationship. You don’t want to try to circumvent the process in order to rush healing…rather, you want to strive for an authentic affair recovery that will last.
When you settle for the quiet that comes with emotional distance
When discussions about the emotional pain of the betrayal trauma are circumvented, the wounded spouse/partner may not feel fully emotionally safe in the relationship. At some level, self-protection through keeping emotional distance will become ingrained. This pattern of emotional distance can feel preferable to the acute pain and upheaval that occurs when facing the trauma head-on.
An atmosphere of quiet borne out of emotional distance can settle over the relationship and at some point it can feel like things are somewhat back to normal. It’s as if psychological minefields remain scattered throughout the relationship, and as long as these are avoided, life together seems tolerable.
But this new arrangement cannot be sustained. The pain of emotional distance is insidious and it often catches up with couples in the form of resentments, passive-aggressive patterns of communication, loneliness and depression, a deterioration of sexual/physical intimacy, self-medicating through overeating and/or increased alcohol/substance use, to name a few.
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The unresolved trauma of infidelity can cast a shadow over the relationship that can last for many years. Couples too often misinterpret this outcome as evidence that the affair itself destroyed the relationship. And while in some cases affair recovery is not possible, in some others the relationship succumbed to a lack of (or insufficient) direct trauma work pertaining to the affair.
Facing and working through the pain of the betrayal trauma is often exhausting, and couples do need periodic respites from this type of relationship work. But planned respites are very different from the premature closure of the trauma work that is necessary for the rebuilding process.
Working with a marriage/couples counselor with experience in treating infidelity can help couples break the repetitive cycles of defensiveness so that healing conversations can take place. Discussions of this type help the betrayed partner feel understood and less alone in their pain.
These healing conversations are essential in moving the relationship out of the cycles of despair into the emotional safety and connection that is necessary for deep repair.
Rich Nicastro, PhD, is a psychologist and couples therapist based in Austin, Texas. He works with individuals and couples trying to heal from infidelity. He offers online therapy sessions (telecounseling) to all Texas residents.
**In addition to Texas, Dr. Nicastro is now offering teletherapy to people residing in Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, Washington, Washington DC, West Virginia and Wisconsin, Wyoming.**
He can be reached at (512) 931-9128 or Rich@RichardNicastro.com
