Why Do Men Cheat? (Part 3)

Re-creating the dramas of our past

Welcome to part three of Why Do Men Cheat?, a series designed for individuals and couples working on affair recovery. Today we venture into the topic of how our childhoods can play a role in certain affair dynamics. 

We are exploring this important issue not to make excuses for the cheating partner, but to understand the vulnerabilities that (when they continue to go unaddressed), can lead some men to be vulnerable to making decisions that are self-sabotaging and devastating to their spouse/partner.

The idea that we re-enact (often unconsciously) aspects of our childhood in adult relationships has a long history in psychoanalysis — and this repetition can often play out in pretty complicated ways. For the men I work with who’ve struggled with infidelity, several past-present dynamics seem prominent in their lives and relationships. We will examine two of these in today’s article.

Of course these early experiences do not “cause” or automatically lead to infidelity; many spouses/partners remain faithful despite making it through difficult childhood experiences. But for some, the lingering impact of a painful past casts an unseen shadow, undermining their capacity for committed, stable relationships. 

Chaotic/unpredictable family-of-origin dynamics

For those who grew up in unpredictable, erratic families, it’s easy to recall the anxiety associated with not knowing what was just around the corner. In some sense, the only constant might have been the knowledge that something disruptive was on the horizon. 

Anticipating the next family argument, the next act of violence, the next verbal attack, make it difficult to trust moments of stability. Moments of peace or quiet are experienced as the calm before the next emotional storm. Some children learn to act out and bring about upheaval on their own, because helplessly waiting for the painful disruption to occur is intolerable — it’s a way of controlling the inevitable even though the inevitable is dreaded.

One potential adaptation to these early experiences is to seek out excitement/stimulation — even if it’s destructive to self and others. A stable marriage, while longed for on the one hand, can start to feel unnatural, boring, like the calm you learned not to trust as a child. Stability makes you uncomfortable.

Some of the men I work with end up unconsciously creating the traumas of their childhood within the affair dynamic. They take the stability they’ve finally found (but part of them doesn’t trust) and turn it on its head.

The unconscious creation of the chaotic intensity that they endured (helplessly) as children is now enacted by having an affair. The dramas of childhood are re-experienced through the affair conditions: the upheaval of living a double life, constant lying and the self-punishment that results, the danger and hyper-vigilance of being found out.

During the acting-out of infidelity, these men live on a constant emotional edge — the dread underpinning the entire experience is similar to the feelings experienced in childhood.  Of course having an affair is worlds apart from surviving a painful childhood, but what the two share (while the affair is occurring) is upheaval, anxiety, vigilance, risk, unpredictability, deceit, emotional intensity.

On more than one occasion I’ve had men report immediate relief once their spouses/partners discover the affair. As one husband stated, “The anxiety was killing me. I honestly don’t know why I was doing it, but I’m glad it’s over.”

Do you find yourself seeking intensity?

Does stability feel like boredom to you?

Is it possible that by having an affair (or thinking of having one), you are re-creating the intensity, instability and anxieties of your childhood?

Family of origin secrets/infidelity

Secrets involve the hidden—something knowable is intentionally being kept from someone/others. There is the assumption by the secret-keeper that if the secret is kept under tight wraps, others won’t be impacted by what they don’t know (the keeper of a secret is relying upon a “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” mentality — though the main motivation under affair conditions is more self-serving than altruistic).

But for those of us who grew up in families where secrecy was commonplace, the damaging effect of secrets is tangible (even when the content of the secret is unknown). 

Part of the negative impact of secrets centers around what goes into keeping a secret: the lying, the distortions of reality (denials, cover stories, being talked out of what you suspect is the truth), acts of omission.

The holder of secrets has to contort and distort the reality of others (others who may know or sense that something is amiss) in order to keep the curtain drawn around the secret. This becomes maddening for others who start to doubt their own reality.

While there are different reasons why families are infected by secrecy and the types of secrets kept, infidelity (whether emotional or sexual) is one of the most damaging secrets that occur in families.

Adults who grew up in families where cheating occurred remember the increased absences of the cheating parent, the denials, the parental arguments, the screaming, the tears, the pleading, the broken promises once the secret was brought to life. These all leave emotional wounds that may have never been adequately addressed.

There are two opposing forces at work within the family when an affair-secrecy dynamic is occurring:

1. The demands to know the truth, to understand why something is “off” or different with the person keeping secrets (there is a pressure to communicate; to discover; to speak truths despite the pain that may follow);
2. The demands to remain silent, to avoid and deny (the pressure not to communicate, to turn away, to remain and keep others silent and looking away from the truth).

When denial/silence wins out, a tension in the air remains, there is a chronic unease during apparent “normal” moments when the secret is still being kept.  

Not talking may become the new rule of law for the family, especially if the spouse/partner being cheated on succumbs to her/his fear of not wanting to know the devastating truth, or if s/he becomes emotionally beaten down by the pain of it all, a beleaguered-ness in the face of unremitting deceit by the other. 

As an adult, there may be a vulnerability to repeat the patterns of secrecy that so overwhelmed the family of your childhood. This may be in part due to the lack of emotional safety you felt as a child growing up in this family dynamic. The needs of a child often go unmet when one parent is cheating and living a double life, and the other is emotionally devastated, depressed that the life s/he knew is falling away.

To cope as a child, you may have closed parts of yourself off, a self-protective measure to reduce the pain, a way of adapting to interpersonal deceit and the fallout that results. Under these conditions, you might have started to keep your own secrets, building a hidden, inner life that required little from others, a fantasy world that became your own sanctuary that no one could disrupt.

When we keep parts of ourselves hidden in this way, we may find ourselves creating secret relationships, relationships that we compartmentalize and keep at bay from the other aspects of our life.

Did you grew up in a family where secrets and/or infidelity occurred?

What lasting impact do you think this had on you?

How might you be repeating the pattern of secret-keeping in your marriage?

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The above are only two ways in which the dramas of our childhood may lead to traumatic re-enactments (unconscious repetitions) in our marriage/relationship. Keeping this potential vulnerability in awareness is an important part of understanding any affair dynamics that may have already occurred or the potential acting-out of these dynamics in the future.

All best,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.

(Dr. Nicastro is a psychologist with over two decades of experience in Austin Texas. He offers telecounseling to  individuals and couples).

Photo by Ken Treloar on Unsplash