From Pain to Betrayal: Childhood Trauma and Infidelity

Childhood trauma — sexual, emotional or physical abuse; the death or abandonment of a parent — can have a lasting impact on an individual’s sense of self and emotional wellbeing. Certain traumatic events shake us at our core, negatively impacting the foundation of our self-development. If we don’t deal with them, these unresolved emotional wounds can impede the ability to form healthy, intimate relationships in adulthood. 

While childhood trauma doesn’t “cause” someone to have an affair as an adult, the fallout of unresolved childhood trauma can lead to an array of emotional and relational challenges. Under certain conditions, these challenges may lead a person to become more vulnerable to creating a secretive life that includes emotional and physical infidelity. 

What follows is a compilation of ways in which childhood abuse can have lasting effects on individuals as adults. Awareness of these issues is an important step in self-growth, in rebuilding your relationship after an affair, or in preemptively protecting your relationship from the dangers of infidelity.  

The legacy of attachment wounds

Not surprisingly, childhood traumas that are relational in nature influence our capacity to form secure attachments. When securely attached, a threshold of confidence exists that leads you to believe that your needs will be (mostly) met and that certain relationships can bring fulfillment to your life. When childhood trauma causes you to develop an insecure attachment style (for example, an anxious or avoidant attachment style), relationships have the potential to become a source of stress rather than a refuge where a deep connection with another is possible. 

When you’re insecurely attached, you might frequently worry about the trustworthiness of your partner, fearing that they are on the verge of leaving you despite their reassurances to the contrary. Or you might keep them at arm’s length, unable to make yourself open and vulnerable enough for intimacy to flourish. In these instances, you might seek relief from these relationship challenges by escaping into the distraction of an affair. 

The excitement and new relationship energy that magically seem to ease psychological struggles are temporary, a distraction from the underlying attachment wounds that need to be addressed for meaningful healing to occur.

A truism that is all too easily forgotten when someone is in the throes of an affair: The excitement and new relationship energy that magically seem to ease psychological struggles are temporary, a distraction from the underlying attachment wounds that need to be addressed for meaningful healing to occur. In the instances when affair relationships turn into long-term commitments, the attachment wounds that negatively impacted previous relationships resurface in the affair relationship. In short, the intimacy struggles that haunted the unfaithful partner in the past come to life in the present. 

Novelty and thrill-seeking

Numbing and emotional detachment are common outcomes to childhood trauma (Frewen & Lanius, 2006). Our brain harnesses the power of emotional disengagement in order to help us cope with the overwhelming physiological and emotional responses that occur during a traumatic experience. It’s as if a dimmer switch is turned way down and we no longer have to re-experience the intense reactions that are associated with intolerable events. 

But with a decreased capacity for emotional responsiveness comes a pervasive anesthetizing of our inner world. For some, this includes the subjective experience of emptiness or deadness. While emotional constriction and numbing offer an important means to dealing with the horrors of abuse, the muting of a life filled with feelings comes at a cost.

Those who feel a sense of emotional detachment may seek out novel and exciting experiences as a way of feeling something, anything, even if it’s temporary. Novelty, the unfamiliar and the dangerous, the pursuit of thrill-seeking (all inherent to infidelity) may be used to break through the lack-of-aliveness that comes with emotional detachment. In these instances, unbeknownst to the unfaithful partner, the affair is a way to momentarily jumpstart their emotional life. . .but at the cost of betraying their partner (and self) in the process. 

Emotional dysregulation

Emotions occur across a continuum, from low intensity all the way to extremes in intensity that can feel quite unbearable. We discussed the end of the continuum that involves shutting down, becoming disconnected from emotional and physical reactions as a way of coping with overwhelming circumstances. At the other end of the continuum is hyperarousal, the experience of being easily inundated with strong feelings and sensations that are difficult to manage.

Childhood abuse is inherently dysregulating. Trauma overwhelms our self-capacities (McCann & Pearlman, 1990). Our ability to exist comfortably in our own bodies is violated; our capacity to make sense of and create meaning out of these events becomes distorted by beliefs of unworthiness and self-loathing. And if there are no safe and responsive caretakers to help the child self-regulate and build a coherent narrative about what has occurred, struggles with emotional flooding can become a regular occurrence throughout a lifetime. 

Through the lens of Internal Family Systems (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020), the traumatized, wounded parts of us become frozen in time; these exiled young parts hold the emotional burdens of the abuse: anger/rage, anxiety/terror, shame/feelings of unworthiness, despair/hopelessness. When these parts of us are triggered, we can become inundated with the feelings these parts within us have kept contained. 

When emotions reach a certain intensity, it can be challenging to think clearly and take perspective. Defensiveness is more likely. Struggles with emotional regulation can make intimate relationships more difficult. It can feel impossible to handle relationship conflict and the inherent challenges of an intimate relationship when you’re flooded emotionally. That flooding can lead to entrenched cycles of conflict and disconnection. Secret affairs are sometimes seen as a way to avoid these patterns, offering a simpler and more straightforward emotional connection without the complications and commitments required of a long-term relationship. However, this dynamic is high on risk and low on reward. 

Unhealthy coping strategies

As we develop and navigate the complexities of life, we find ways to manage our emotional lives, especially emotional pain. Some of these coping strategies might be intentional (taking a few deep, slow breaths; exercising; journaling), while others can be somewhat automatic, even though you hold an awareness of them as such (using food or smoking as a way to comfort yourself). And then there are the unconscious ways in which we manage emotional pain; these deeply ingrained patterns are automatic and entirely outside of our awareness. For example, you might keep your partner/spouse at an emotional distance in an unconscious effort to preemptively avoid getting hurt in case the relationship doesn’t work out. 

The ways in which you manage your emotional life can become problematic. In these instances, the so-called solution — how you cope in order not to feel overwhelmed by distressing emotions — comes at an emotional cost to yourself and possibly others. 

The ways in which you manage your emotional life can become problematic. In these instances, the so-called solution — how you cope in order not to feel overwhelmed by distressing emotions — comes at an emotional cost to yourself and possibly others. 

Abuse of alcohol or drugs is an obvious example of unhealthy coping. Relying on mental compartmentalization in order to avoid feeling is also common for those who create secretive lives that involve infidelity or compulsive sexual acting-out. Habitual patterns of escapism (a self-medicating behavior) create a disconnection from the emotional anchors that ground us in life. The weakening or severing of the connection with important people in your life — or with activities that were once meaningful to you — can make you vulnerable to infidelity and increase the possibility of becoming affair-prone. 

Low self-esteem, self-worth

Childhood abuse can damage self-esteem. An internal wound results from relational trauma in the form of self-negating and devaluing beliefs about yourself. These extreme beliefs can result when a child is the target of degrading messages, physical and/or sexual abuse, or when the child’s needs are ignored or minimized. A consistently unresponsive or neglectful caregiver sends the message: “You are not worth my time and effort. In fact, your very presence is a burden to me.”

For some, the impact of feeling unworthy is obvious. Depression, inhibition, anxiety, and stagnation/procrastination may be clear indicators of a negative self-view. The pain of unworthiness, however, isn’t always conscious. The parts of you that hold the emotional pain and negative beliefs caused by traumatic childhood experiences may have gone underground, sequestered in order to keep this internal pain locked away so that life can feel more tolerable. 

For someone who struggles with low self-worth, attention from someone new can act as a powerful antidote to the restlessness and malaise caused by chronic feelings of inadequacy.

For someone who struggles with low self-worth, attention from someone new can act as a powerful antidote to the restlessness and malaise caused by chronic feelings of inadequacy. Validation and admiration received from another person can momentarily silence the inner critic, allowing a glimmer of self-acceptance to shine through. The surge of novel positive attention creates a temporary shield against self-doubt, offering a respite from the relentless cycle of grueling self-perfection. However, it is crucial to recognize that this temporary relief from inner pain is not true healing and that relying on secretive acting-out actually forestalls the introspection needed to work through these childhood wounds. 

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The impact of childhood trauma can manifest in numerous ways, and individuals who have experienced such trauma may struggle with trust, emotional regulation, intimacy, and self-worth as adults.

These unresolved wounds can create a deep void within, leaving you yearning for a sense of belonging and emotional fulfillment. This inner void can make you susceptible to seeking validation and connection outside of your committed relationship. By addressing and healing the underlying trauma, you can regain a solid foundation of self-worth and develop healthier coping mechanisms, reducing the likelihood of engaging in infidelity. 

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Rich Nicastro, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist who specializes in treating issues surrounding infidelity, as well as the profound influence of childhood abuse on the development of meaningful adult relationships. He provides comprehensive teletherapy services to individuals and couples across the United States. For more information, contact Dr. Nicastro at Rich@RichardNicastro.com.