Understanding Self-sabotaging Behaviors

You may have heard the advice to “just get out of your own way.” You may have even given that advice to a friend (or to yourself). Perhaps you see the wisdom in that and the potential applicability to some part of your own life. And yet, why is it so hard to do? 

What does it mean to be self sabotaging or self-defeating?

To self-sabotage is to stand in your own way. This definition is an oversimplification, but it captures the essence of self-sabotaging behavior. We all have desires we’d like to see realized, and we all have goals we want to achieve. And usually, there are tangible steps we must take in order to accomplish our goals. 

But the truth is, some of us seldom (or at best, sporadically) take the necessary steps to make our wants or desires a reality; and as a result, we deprive ourselves of the very thing we believe would fulfill us or bring greater meaning to our lives. For some, self-sabotage occurs mainly in their relationships; for others, self-defeating patterns show up in their career; and for some others, self-sabotaging behaviors are pervasive in many facets of their lives. 

Self-defeating patterns of behavior are common enough that at one time the mental health field was considering the creation of a diagnosis called self-defeating personality disorder. 

Ultimately, self-defeating personality disorder did not become an official psychiatric diagnosis. However, it is not uncommon for therapists to see these dynamics at play with some of their clients, self-defeating or sabotaging patterns that the client may or may not be aware of. 

What does self-sabotaging behavior look like?

There are myriad ways we self-sabotage. Almost all behavior—even seemingly healthy activities (e.g., exercising)—can become self-defeating when these behaviors are taken to extremes, or when they undermine some important part of our life. 

The patterns of behavior listed below are some common forms of self-sabotage that therapists often see in their work with clients. These behaviors, however, aren’t inherently self-sabotaging. It’s only when they are used (often unconsciously) to block achievement and deprive us of a satisfying life that they become self-defeating. 

Perfectionism

The unreachable standards of perfectionism are self-punishing. Nothing is ever good enough with this mindset. And as a result, you go from task-to-task feeling unfulfilled and self-critical, judging yourself for perceived inadequacies and failures to get the job done the way it “should” be done. The self-defeating/sabotaging dynamic in these instances have to do with the self-attacks and lack of fulfillment as you chase some fantasy of the perfect solution. 

Procrastination

The self-sabotaging procrastinator remains stuck in neutral or does very little toward goal-attainment. The procrastinator often finds reasons for not following through on important tasks, and if one hurdle is removed, another is quickly discovered that prevents forward movement. Many who fit this profile have goals and deadlines they’d genuinely like to meet, but they remain in a continual freeze response that only seems to thaw during periods of stress when their back is up against the wall and the stakes of failure are extremely high (e.g., losing your job, failing in school).

Self-neglect or lack of self-care

The self-sabotaging behaviors in this category are more obvious regarding the negative impact they have on our emotional wellbeing and ability to reach our desired goals. Self-neglect occurs when you repeatedly fail to meet your basic needs (skipping meals, lack of sleep, excessive alcohol use). Poor self-care has to do with a failure to nurture your emotional and physical wellbeing so that you can more fully engage in your relationships and life (e.g., taking work breaks, exercising, stress management, healthy eating, attempting to create a work-life balance).  

Forgetfulness/distraction  

Getting what you want in life takes work. It takes effort, focus, thinking and planning. It takes a willingness to accept uncertainty and failure. There is an uneasiness we must learn to tolerate as we journey toward identifying and attempting to get our needs met. It’s actually quite easy to disconnect and turn away from ourselves in order to avoid the exertion and drudgery of this process. Under these conditions, self-defeating forgetfulness and distractibility are avoidance mechanisms that keep us out of the realm of discomfort while also keeping us lacking in some way. Here the “solution” of avoidance turns into the problem itself.

Relationship struggles

Intimate relationships are inherently challenging for many of us. Insecure and avoidant attachment patterns set into motion by our earliest relationships can compromise the vulnerability and openness needed for emotional connection. Deep-seated struggles with self-esteem can also lead to self-sabotaging relationship behaviors in the form of anger that keeps your partner at arm’s length. Feeling unworthy or feeling bad about yourself can also drive you to become emotionally distant and unavailable.  

Underachieving

Self-sabotaging behaviors can also take the form of repeated underachievement. You may have grown accustomed to doing the bare minimum, or you’ve settled for the status quo of mediocrity. These patterns are self-defeating if you ultimately want more from and for yourself and you feel frustrated by your own lackluster attempts at accomplishing tasks. In these instances, it’s not a lack of ability that holds you back, but rather, a fear of succeeding.

The psychodynamics of self-sabotaging behavior 

Self-sabotage is a complex phenomenon, often the end result of varied underlying dynamics that are at play. The self-sabotage label does little to elucidate the deeply rooted motivation(s) for these self-defeating patterns. 

Central to these dynamics is the undermining and self-inhibition that arises out of conflicts about success (success defined here as the satisfaction that comes from reliably meeting one’s own needs). The idea that we can be in conflict with and hold ourselves back has a long history in psychoanalytic thinking. 

The harsh superego described by Freud, along with the psychoanalyst Ronald Fairborn’s description of the “internal saboteur,” are concepts about our psychological makeup that highlight the existence of an inner critic; a part of us that is quick to judge, shut us down and, at times, undermine our attempts to live a more fulfilling life. With such a hostile internal environment, no wonder our self-enhancement efforts can get derailed. 

For some people, this internal self-defeating battle is ubiquitous and can lead to significant anxiety and depression. This inner battle can also be more localized, interfering with a specific area of life (e.g., relationships, marriage) while leaving other areas seemingly untouched (e.g., work/career success). 

It may not be self-sabotage

If you are working with a therapist to overcome self-sabotaging behaviors, it’s important to determine whether self-sabotage is the primary issue driving your behavior, or whether it’s secondary to another psychological struggle like addiction, attention deficit disorder (ADD), depression or obsessive compulsive behavior. 

When self-defeating patterns are the result of another psychological issue such as depression, and when this primary issue is properly addressed, the seemingly self-defeating behaviors often clear up. ADD is a good example of this. The distractibility and inertia of ADD can often look like self-sabotaging behavior, but it would be a mistake to address these issues as self-defeating when they are better understood as symptoms of ADD. 

Self-reflective moment

Before closing, here are a few questions to reflect on in case you are wondering whether self-sabotage may be impacting your life. (You might want to discuss your answers with your therapist if you are working with one.)

Do you often fail to follow through on tasks or seem to fall short of your goals? 

After something positive happens in your life, do you end up acting in ways that undermine the achievement or that bring about emotional pain or turmoil? 

Are patterns of behavior undermining relationships that you value? 

Do you routinely give up on activities you’ve decided are healthy or good for you?

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Rich Nicastro, PhD., is a licensed clinical psychologist with over twenty-five years of experience working with individuals and couples. He offers teletherapy sessions to clients throughout the United States.