“I never thought of what happened to me as sexual abuse. I was ten when my [teenage] babysitter began to suggest that she and I show each other our genitals. And after that it quickly escalated to oral sex. This lasted on and off for about three years until she went off to college. I thought because it felt good and I looked forward to it, it wasn’t abuse.” ~ Liam, 33 years old
Liam thought he was “one of the lucky guys” because he was introduced to sex by an “attractive, older woman”; he focused on the intense pleasure that those early sexual experiences offered, but didn’t grasp the devastating longterm consequences those experiences had on him. The rationale “If it felt good and I started to look forward to it, it couldn’t have been sexual abuse” is a sentiment too many men hold (at least for many men I’ve worked with over the last 25 years).
Too often in the accounts of men who experienced sexual activity at a young age, when the initiator of sex was an older female, these premature sexual experiences are seen as a “rite of passage” into the world of adult sexuality. A common misconception is that because at times the physical experience felt good, the presence of any sort of pleasure qualifies the incident as non-abuse.
Likewise, if the introduction to sex was initiated by a more sexually experienced same- or opposite-sex peer, it is frequently not thought of as problematic because of the closeness in age or the fact that one agreed or “gave into” these sexual advances.
The truth is, however, that for many of the men I’ve worked with, the psychological, emotional and relational fallout from these premature sexual experiences is considerable, though this may not be apparent to them at the outset of therapy.
The deleterious impact of premature sexual or overly sexualized experiences
There can be important information missing in the narratives of men who experienced premature sexual activity with peers, or an older sibling/family member, neighbor or teacher. In order to determine whether these experiences were psychologically damaging, it’s important to look beyond the narrative (the narrative that these early sexual experiences were not problematic) and focus on the self-destructive behavioral patterns that may have resulted from these premature, overly sexualized childhood experiences.
What is telling is when there is a discrepancy between how these men describe what happened to them (using positive or benign terms) compared to the patterns of behavior that follow these early sexualized experiences; patterns that point to difficulties with self-esteem, emotional and sexual intimacy, difficulties with honesty and openness, as well as acting-out and self-medicating behaviors (affairs, risk-taking behaviors, excessive alcohol consumption, drug abuse).
These emotional and behavioral struggles tell a very different story than the overriding narrative claiming that these early sexual experiences were not abuse.
The Splintered Self: Secrecy and a sense of wrongness
A predominant theme of these early sexualized experiences is secrecy. There may be a deep-seated sense of doing something wrong and that “no one should ever know about what’s happened.” This can cause sex to become associated with a sense of wrongness, with danger. In these instances, sex becomes soldered to transgressive acting-out; the association between sex being somehow shameful may not be fully conscious, but the internal psychological barriers that result from these sexualized childhood experiences are apparent:
Barriers that prevent the sexual-self being brought fully into a loving relationship or marriage; barriers that preclude feelings of fulfillment in career and relationships; barriers that make it difficult to find meaning in life.
When children are subjected to premature sexual activities, the ensuing changes to self remain walled off from meaningful, emotionally anchoring relationships; children do not have the psychological capacities to process, make sense of and integrate these highly evocative, confusing, secretive events.
Without the maturity to internalize these intensely disorienting activities within a larger, more mature, cohesive sense of self, sexual excitement can turn into a highly addictive experience . . . an experience to be chased and reproduced at any cost to self and other.
Fear and anxiety (tied to the transgressive secrecy that surrounds these sexual experiences) may become melded with sexual arousal and intensity. Without the fear/transgressive dynamic, later sexual activities with a partner or spouse can feel devoid of “passion” and are often experienced as “good but unremarkable.” Sexual abuse can also cause fear to become associated with or misinterpreted as excitement; in these instances, fear becomes sexualized and may become a prerequisite for arousal and orgasm (Davies & Frawley, 1994).
Negative self concept and relationship challenges
There is extensive research showing that childhood sexual abuse has a considerable negative impact to one’s psychological and emotional wellbeing (Putman, 2003; O’Leary, Easton, Gould, 2015). Too often men misinterpret childhood and adolescent sexual abuse as “positive”; or they deny or minimize the negative fallout this premature sexual activity has caused, despite later difficulties with intimacy, commitment, secrecy and lying, and/or compulsive patterns of sexual acting-out.
A subset of men describe knowing these sexual experiences were “wrong” but ended up sacrificing themselves sexually because the relationship with the perpetrator was important to them. In short, they feared they would lose a significant relationship if they did not acquiesce to the sexual requests/commands. One man feared “flunking out of school” if he didn’t agree to have sex with his seventh grade teacher who had been pressuring him for sex.
These men may blame themselves for the abuse; or they may harshly criticize themselves for “too easily giving in” to the other’s advances rather than declining or resisting more assertively. The internalized self-loathing and shame that often result from sexual abuse may not be apparent to men until it is pointed out that they frequently treat themselves horribly.
One man was surprised when I commented that he thinks very poorly of himself; he seemed confused when I gave him this feedback, and when I highlighted some of the biting self-directed comments he kept making, he responded, “Doesn’t everyone talk to themselves like that?” Over the course of treatment, it became clear to him that the shame and self-hatred he felt stemmed from him agreeing to have sex with several older kids from his neighborhood who kept pressuring him to do so.
The men who hold sexual secrets that emerge from these early sexual abuse dynamics too often create lives that are compartmentalized in unhealthy ways. They are divided internally and therefore they create realities that are divided. They are intensely and pervasively drawn to secrecy. They’ve learned to expertly move between two very different realities: the world of loved ones, responsibilities and meaningful commitments; and the world of acting out, abandonment of self and values, and the compulsion toward intense non-relational sexualized thrill-seeking. As long as the childhood and adolescent traumas are denied or minimized, the automated tendency to compartmentalize (and betray self and others) will remain intact.
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The childhood sex abuse dynamics discussed above too frequently register for men as benign occurrences that were not problematic at the time. Not everyone who experienced premature sexual experiences will necessarily be negatively impacted; however, those who do struggle later in life may not attribute their emotional and relational challenges to the early abuse.
An important part of the work these men do in therapy is examining the arc of their lives with a new perspective and identifying how the trajectory radically changed following the abuse: Difficulties with emotional and sexual intimacy; a shame-based identity that robs one of a fulfilling life; the overvaluing and pursuit of sexual highs (no matter the cost); self-medicating patterns; struggles with addiction and depression; confusion about one’s sexuality; deep-seated feelings of not belonging, or the pervasive sense of feeling like an impostor who can never measure up to the goodness of others.
These considerable struggles are just some of the resulting fallout of a child introduced, groomed or seduced into the abusive world of premature, secretive sexual activities.
One of the most pervasive issues for the men I work with in my therapy practice is the repetition of secrecy throughout their lives, the ability to straddle separate realities that are kept segregated from each other. These men have created hidden worlds of some sort, not because they are unhappy or unfulfilled with their life (though they may be), but rather because they are trapped in the grip of an unconscious traumatic reenactment of past events, one that gets played out again and again, regardless of accomplishments and successes in other areas of life. Although the consequences of such trauma-based acting-out are often quite deleterious, the consequences in and of themselves may not be enough to break the pattern.
“It’s taken me awhile to see this,” Liam said, “but I now recognize something that feels important: even though I’ve rarely thought about what happened to me as a kid (I guess you can say I’ve been good at locking it away in a part of my mind I try not to access), and even though my secretive acting-out as an adult doesn’t resemble what was going on for me all those decades ago (at least not on the surface), the abuse I experienced as a child is the root cause of my splintered life.”
Rich Nicastro, PhD., is a psychologist with twenty-five years of experience. He sees individuals and couples via telecounseling. If you are interested in working with Dr. Nicastro, click teletherapy to find out if you live in a state where he can see clients.
Davies, J.M., & Frawley, M.G. (1994). Treating the Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Psychoanalytic Perspective. Basic Books.
O’leary, P., Easton, S.D. & Gould, N. The Effects of Child Sexual Abuse On Men. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, June, 2015, 1-23.
Putman, F.W. Ten-Year Research Update Review: Child Sexual Abuse. J. Am. Acad. Child Adolesc. Psychiatry, 2003, 42 (3) 269-278.
