It is devastating to discover that your spouse/partner has been unfaithful and/or has a secretive life involving pornography (or some other form of sexual acting out). The betrayal-trauma can shatter your most deeply held assumptions, tearing apart the reality of a relationship that once grounded you and gave meaning to your life.
Such a betrayal can lead to significant emotional pain as well as symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (Coop-Gordon, Baucom & Snyder, 2004; Steffens & Rennie, 2006).
The spouse/partner of a sex addict is not only dealing with the complicated fallout from infidelity, secrets and deception; she also has to face the painful reality of her loved one’s out-of-control sexual behavior, a pattern of behavior that the addict may be ill-equipped to manage on his own.
This one-two punch (the discovery that your husband or partner has betrayed you and that he has an addiction) creates an enormous double-bind for the spouse/partner.
When Your Husband is a Sex Addict
Navigating the inner maze of conflicting reactions
The knowledge that your spouse/partner has been living a secret life creates a whirlwind of intense emotions that may include anger/rage, anxiety/panic, jealousy/insecurity, sadness/depression, suspiciousness/paranoia, to name a few.
As you sift through these difficult reactions, you may start to notice that certain feelings exist along side their polar opposites, for instance, you may feel both the desire for revenge and the desire to help; the desire to flee and the desire to hang in there; the desire to be vulnerable and the desire to shield yourself from potential pain.
Part of your confusion and the intensity of your pain might involve conflicting emotions — reactions to the complicated reality that the person who hurt you is in need of help (and may seek your support). These emotional polarities (discussed below) are confusing; they can lead you to doubt yourself and make you uncertain about how to respond in any given moment.
The anger-betrayal—caring/sympathy bind
“I wanted to smack him with one hand and hug him with the other.” ~ One wife’s reaction to discovering her husband’s porn addiction
The anger-betrayal reaction can be overwhelming and lead us to lash out verbally, throw objects, and even physically strike out at the one who wounded us so deeply. Once you discovered your husband’s/partner’s secretive life, he is transformed from someone you could safely rely upon and person you thought you knew like no other to someone unsafe and unfamiliar.
You may need to pull away emotionally in order to protect yourself from further injury.
These reactions (the urge to strike out/pull away) may exist side-by-side with the desire to take care of or support him. The knowledge of his addictive struggles can stir a caring/sympathetic reaction, one that you may find yourself fighting against because of the pain and anger you feel. With the knowledge that your husband may struggle to control his behavior, he has become both a source of danger and someone in need — a danger you want to escape from and a person in need whom you want to comfort.
These inner conflicts (intense anger and concern) are overwhelming. They create unsettling shifts in your mood, making you feel like you are being tossed around by an inner storm you have little control over. While very painful, it’s important to know that these are normal reactions to the traumatic discovery of your spouse’s/partner’s sexual acting-out. And it’s important to know that you are not alone in what you are dealing with.
The disbelief—acceptance bind
“Am I supposed to believe he cheated because he couldn’t help himself? Really?! I’m not about to excuse his bad behavior.” ~ A wife reacting to the idea that her husband may have a sex addiction
It’s not uncommon for the spouse/partner of a sex addict to doubt that their partner’s struggles with sexual acting-out are due to an addiction. And it’s easy to see why this might be the case. The addiction model centers around the idea that the addict is somewhat helpless, his ability to reason and make sound decisions hijacked by a skewed brain that works differently than non-addicts’.
You might be concerned that the “I’m an addict, I couldn’t help myself” position can be used as an excuse by your husband, a way of dodging responsibility, an all-too-easy “out” from doing the hard work needed. You might stay in disbelief because you don’t want to feel any sympathy for the person who hurt you so deeply. To feel caring because your husband suffers from an addiction is to soften emotionally, and this level of vulnerability can feel intolerable (especially early on after the discovery).
Some wives/partners bounce back and forth between believing and doubting: some days you might think the whole addiction idea is total nonsense, only to find yourself at a later time open to the possibility that your partner may struggle with a sexual addiction and may need professional help.
It’s important to note that believing that your spouse/partner has an addiction doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set up boundaries to protect yourself. I often caution the spouses/partners I work with not to abandon themselves by taking on their husband’s addiction as their problem to fix. While it can be a real challenge at times, it is possible to be supportive while also maintaining healthy boundaries that allow for self-care.
The control—letting go bind
“I became so consumed with my boyfriend’s treatment for sex addiction that I started missing work deadlines. When my boss pulled me into her office to ask why my performance had dropped, I knew I had to start focusing on me again.” ~A woman describing her shift in priorities during her partner’s recovery from sex addiction
The realization that your husband struggles to control his sexual behavior means that he needs help — willpower alone isn’t enough to tame his impulses. He may recognize the scope of the problem, or you might be the one who believes an addiction exists (while he denies it). It’s common for someone in the throes of an addiction to downplay or flat-out deny the truth of what is occurring.
The realization of a sexual addiction is a difficult pill to swallow. It can cause tremendous anxiety, an insecurity that can make you increasingly vigilant of his behavior (for instance, constant questioning, checking for signs that he is following through in his treatment, looking for evidence that he is still acting out).
To deal with this anxiety, you may find yourself going into behavioral over-drive in an effort to control the situation and stop further damage to the relationship and family. This is a control borne out of distress and fear, and the desire to get your life back to normal. In some instances, control is an effort to compensate for the underlying helplessness you feel.
This anxiety-driven control/vigilance is exhausting. It’s easy to burn out when you feel you have to keep everything afloat, including checking in constantly to make sure your husband is committed to his recovery work.
Of course, only he can be responsible for his recovery, but it can be difficult to know when to be supportive, when the support you offer is hurtful to yourself, and when to let go of any attempts to control the outcome of his recovery. Letting go isn’t the same as giving up. Rather, it’s an acknowledgment that battling against certain aspects of reality is futile; it may involve a mindful reallocation of your psychological resources to where they matter most. This is a real challenge for many of the spouses/partners I work with, a challenge that requires ongoing assessment about what is and isn’t working.
And through it all, it’s important to remember that self-care and healthy boundary-setting are vital to your own emotional wellbeing, even when you decide to work on saving your marriage/relationship.
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Healthy boundary-setting can be one of the biggest challenges for partners of sex addicts. Establishing clear boundaries starts with knowing what your needs are and communicating them clearly to your husband*/partner. It’s easy to now see him as “too fragile” or somehow broken, and as a result, you may go out of your way not to upset or trigger him by taking yourself out of the relationship equation.
It’s also important not to remain isolated in your pain. Emotional support from others can be an important resource for getting through this difficult time. Telling a trusted friend (someone who won’t judge your situation or push you to make a decision you’re not ready for) may be enough. Others find support groups for spouses/partners of sex addicts helpful. Getting the support/help you need should be your top priority.
(*Sex addiction does not discriminate according to gender—it can affect women as well as men. However, statistics show that men are much more likely to struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior than women, and therefore, and for ease of reading, I have used the male pronoun when referring to someone dealing with sexual addiction/acting-out.)
Online Counseling for Individuals and Couples
Rich Nicastro, PhD is a clinical psychologist based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Nicastro has twenty-five years of experience working with individuals and couples, as well as offering psychodynamic supervision/consultation to other therapists.
He offers online individual and couples counseling (teletherapy) for residents of Texas.
**In addition to Texas, Dr. Nicastro is now offering online counseling to people residing in Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, Kentucky, Kansas, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, Washington, Washington DC, West Virginia and Wisconsin.**
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Resources for further reading:
Hall, Paula. (2015). Sex Addiction: The Partner’s Perspective: A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and Surviving Sex Addiction for Partners and Those Who Want to help Them. Rutledge Press.
Steffens, Barbara & Means, Marsha (2009). Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal. New Horizon Press.
Carnes, Stefanie. (2011). Mending A Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts. Gentle Path Press; 2nd Edition.
Article references:
Coop-Gordon, K., Baucom, D., & Snyder, D. (2004) An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213-231.
Steffens, B.A., & Rennie, R.L. (2006). The traumatic nature of disclosure for wives of sexual addicts. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13:247-267.
