The Pain of Sex Addiction

Addiction is about being helplessly in the grip of something that starts to override your decision-making capacities; you become a passenger in a life that increasingly careens out of control. Prior to acknowledging that a problem exists, you might have felt capable in managing your life because the major areas of your life weren’t negatively impacted — you were able to successfully work, you managed household responsibilities, and the semblance of family life seemed to go on uninterrupted.

Periodic “slip-ups” are easy to tuck away when you are able to fold yourself back into your non-addictive life. It is usually the discovery of sexual acting-out by a spouse/partner that shines a light on the scope of the issue; or there is an intensification of the problem behavior that starts to spill over into the different areas of your life, ultimately leading to the realization that something is indeed wrong. 

It can be too easy to minimize the ways in which your life is being impacted by compulsive sexual behavior. Here are some of the ways in which sex addiction has affected the men I work with in therapy.

The painful fallout of out-of-control sexual behavior

“I destroyed my marriage.”

Intimate relationships are often a direct casualty of sexual addiction. There is a turning away from one’s spouse/partner as sexual addictions intensify. Cheating, porn use, chronic masturbation, online infidelity, prioritizing fantasy over reality, etc., can all easily replace the need for emotional and physical intimacy with your spouse/partner.

“I started to hate myself.”

There are different types of betrayal that occur when you struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior. For many of the men I work with, the pain of self-betrayal must be dealt with. To betray yourself is different than letting yourself down. In this betrayal, you violate who you are: there is an erosion of self-esteem and self-confidence; the ability to trust yourself can deteriorate, leaving you feeling uncertain about your ability to act in accordance with your own values and goals.

“I turned my back on God.”

Spirituality/religion plays an important role in the lives of a number of the men I work with in therapy. When caught in the grips of addiction, some describe feeling like their spiritual connection is weakened. Shame and guilt might be at play, causing you to turn away from the comfort you once experienced in your spiritual life. A spiritual crisis may develop, one that centers around feeling like you’ve failed God or that God has failed you. For many, this can be a painful loss.

“I never felt so alone in my life.”

As sexual acting-out intensifies, entry into the clandestine world of pornography, affairs, prostitution, chatrooms, etc., start to take precedence over connection with others. Disconnection allows addiction to be fed. And the shame, low self-esteem and hopelessness that often result from out-of-control sexual behavior furthers patterns of withdrawal from those who care about you. The pain of isolation can intensify the urges to sexually act out.

“I was haunted by my secrets.” 

There are considerable consequences to a life of secrecy. Secrets can be toxic, they can shatter who you are, taking vital parts of you and cordoning them off from your loved ones. The lying and cover-ups that surround sex addiction require enormous mental energy, and they rarely can be sustained. In sex addiction, there are the lies you tell yourself and the lies you tell others, lies  designed to keep others from seeing the out-of-control you.

“It was like I was sleep-walking through life.”

With extensive pornography use, some men describe an emotional dullness that seeps into their being. They feel less alive, less engaged in life, less able to feel deeply and passionately about what once mattered to them. It’s like listening to music with your head submerged under water — the experience is muted and barely decipherable.

“I slowly lost my ability to cope with struggles.”

We must all learn how to navigate the inevitable frustrations and challenges of life. The over-reliance on sex, pornography, masturbation or other forms of sexual acting-out as a means to repeatedly escape from reality weakens your capacity to cope in healthier ways. At some point, any internal distress or unease can trigger you into sexual fantasy or behavior, thereby short-circuiting other potential coping behaviors.

“I felt dumber.”

Numerous men have told me that they have felt less intelligent after protracted pornography use. While these men may not have actually dropped any IQ points after repetitive porn viewing, they did describe feeling mentally duller, noting that more mental energy was required to collect their thoughts, think clearly and focus on tasks.

“I stopped taking care of myself”

As you spiral down deeper into the world of sexual acting-out, other behavior changes often follow, particularly changes in the area of “self-care.” Self-care includes any behaviors that promote health and wellbeing, such as exercising, healthy eating, going for regular medical/dental appointments, meditation, yoga, swimming and any pleasurable leisure activities that were part of your life (for instance, reading, listening to music, hiking, biking, family trips). As the addictive world expands, self-care frequently tapers off.

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Acknowledging that there is a problem is a central tenet to recovery/healing. When pulled into the vortex of sexual addiction, many externalize responsibility for their struggles (“If my wife weren’t so critical of me…”; “If my work weren’t so demanding…”; “My boss is totally unreasonable…”; “If I only had had loving parents growing up…”), and in doing so, remain stuck in a mindset that is inhospitable to healing.

Recognizing the ways in which your life is being negatively impacted by sexual acting-out is an important step on the road to reclaiming your life. 

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Richard Nicastro, Ph.D., is a psychologist who specializes in men’s issues. He can be reached at (512) 931-9128 or rich@richardnicastro.com.

He offers telecounseling, online therapy to individuals and couples living in:

Alabama, Arizona, Colorado, Delaware, Washington DC, Georgia, Illinois, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Texas, Utah and Virginia