Validation is one of the most profound gifts one person can offer another. From a very young age, being seen, heard, and understood shapes who we are, providing the foundation for emotional security and self-awareness. Validation affirms our experiences and emotions, helping us feel grounded in our reality. It is a powerful experience that not only nurtures our psychological development as children but remains central to our wellbeing throughout our lives.
Imagine a young child overwhelmed by fear after waking from a vivid nightmare. A validating parent sits on the edge of the bed, gently reassuring the child, “I can see how upset you are. That must have been a scary dream. You’re safe now.” In this moment, the parent acknowledges the child’s fear rather than dismissing it with phrases like, “Don’t be silly, just go back to sleep.”
Validation soothes the child, confirming that their feelings are real and worthy of attention. Over time, these interactions teach the child that their emotions matter, fostering trust in their inner world and a sense of safety in relationships.
The Lifelong Importance of Validation
This essential need for validation doesn’t fade with age. While we may grow more independent, the desire for others to acknowledge our feelings and experiences remains a core part of who we are. In adulthood, when a partner, friend, or colleague validates our perspective—whether by empathizing with a stressful work situation or sharing in our joy—it deepens the connection and affirms our sense of self. Validation creates a shared reality that not only confirms our experiences but enriches them. It allows us to feel less alone in our struggles and more connected to those who walk alongside us.
Validation strengthens our sense of identity and enhances the intimacy in our relationships, building a bridge between individual experience and collective understanding. In this way, validation serves as a vital thread in the fabric of human connection, weaving shared meaning and emotional richness into our lives.
The importance of validation goes beyond fleeting moments of comfort. When someone acknowledges and reflects our inner world, it reminds us that we matter. Validation strengthens our sense of identity and enhances the intimacy in our relationships, building a bridge between individual experience and collective understanding. In this way, validation serves as a vital thread in the fabric of human connection, weaving shared meaning and emotional richness into our lives.
Betrayed by Lies: The Emotional Devastation of Betrayal
When validation is central to our emotional well-being, the absence—or worse, the reversal—of that validation can have devastating effects. Nowhere is this more evident than in the aftermath of an affair. While validation nurtures trust, intimacy, and psychological security, infidelity and deception strip these away, leaving a profound void.
In the context of an affair, the unfaithful partner’s lies and cover-ups serve as a direct invalidation of the betrayed partner’s reality. Instead of finding reassurance and understanding, the betrayed partner encounters denial, misdirection, and often outright gaslighting. For example, when suspicions arise, the unfaithful partner may dismiss these concerns as paranoia or insecurity, leaving the betrayed partner doubting their own instincts and perceptions. This manipulation can cause psychological disorientation, as the betrayed partner grapples with conflicting feelings of trust, betrayal, and self-doubt.
The impact of these lies goes beyond the specific act of infidelity. Deception severs the emotional connection that validation fosters. Without honesty, acknowledgment and validation, the betrayed partner is left to navigate their distress alone, compounding feelings of isolation and abandonment. The shared reality that once bound the couple together—the sense of “we” that made them a team—crumbles under the weight of secrecy and dishonesty.
The lies act as a second betrayal, deepening the wound inflicted by the affair itself. The betrayed partner may feel like they are going crazy, losing their grip on what is real and questioning their own perceptions, emotions, and memories.
This loss of shared meaning and trust can be profoundly destabilizing. Instead of feeling seen and understood, the betrayed partner feels erased, their emotional pain dismissed or minimized by the very person who caused it. The lies act as a second betrayal, deepening the wound inflicted by the affair itself. The betrayed partner may feel like they are going crazy, losing their grip on what is real and questioning their own perceptions, emotions, and memories.
In the absence of validation, the betrayed partner’s distress often becomes overwhelming. They may question the authenticity of their entire relationship, revisiting past moments of connection now clouded by the deception. This process not only magnifies the emotional pain but leaves lasting scars on their sense of self and their ability to trust again.
By contrast, validation after betrayal—through acknowledgment, honesty, and accountability—becomes a critical first step toward repair. Without it, however, the damaging effects of invalidation linger, turning the emotional devastation of an affair into a prolonged source of suffering.
Gaslighting and the Emotional Impact of Deception
Gaslighting is one of the most damaging forms of emotional manipulation, particularly in the context of infidelity. It involves deliberate or subconscious tactics to distort another person’s reality, leaving them doubting their own perceptions, feelings, or memories. Dr. Robin Stern, a psychotherapist and author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life, defines gaslighting as:
“A type of emotional manipulation in which a gaslighter tries to convince you that you’re misremembering, misunderstanding, or misinterpreting your own behaviors or motivations, thus creating doubt in your mind that leaves you vulnerable or confused.”
In relationships, this manipulation is particularly harmful because it strikes at the very foundation of emotional intimacy and trust.
Gaslighting as a Marital Syndrome During and After Infidelity
In 1988, Gass and Nichols identified gaslighting as a “marital syndrome,” particularly in cases where unfaithful husbands used it to cover up extramarital affairs. According to their work, the primary purpose of gaslighting in these situations is to avoid accountability. The unfaithful partner attempts to discredit the betrayed spouse’s perceptions and feelings, often framing them as irrational, overly emotional, or jealous.
For example, a husband might dismiss his spouse’s suspicion of infidelity by accusing them of being paranoid or insecure, even when confronted with compelling evidence. This not only invalidates the betrayed partner’s reality but also forces them to question their own instincts and sanity. Over time, this form of manipulation leads to profound psychological distress, eroding the betrayed partner’s sense of self and creating an environment of confusion and isolation.
Importantly, Gass and Nichols highlighted that gaslighting is defined more by its impact than the gaslighter’s intent. While some partners may not consciously aim to destabilize their spouse’s mental health, their actions—whether through denial, deflection, or outright lies—nonetheless have that effect.
The Spectrum of Gaslighting: Fear-Based vs. Narcissistic
It’s essential to recognize that not all gaslighting behaviors are exactly alike—though their impact may be equally devastating. At one end of the spectrum lies the fear-based lying of unfaithful partners, while at the other extreme is narcissistic gaslighting.
Fear-Based Gaslighting: This occurs when the unfaithful partner, motivated by fear of being caught or losing their relationship, uses gaslighting as a defense mechanism. They may lie, deny, or deflect to protect themselves from the consequences of their actions. While this behavior is still harmful and manipulative, it often stems from panic and a misguided attempt to minimize damage.
Narcissistic Gaslighting: In its most extreme form, gaslighting becomes a tool of control and dominance, used by narcissistic individuals to manipulate and degrade their partner. Narcissistic gaslighters are less concerned with avoiding consequences and more focused on maintaining power and control over their victim. They may systematically erode their partner’s confidence and autonomy, fostering dependency and emotional instability.
Narcissistic gaslighters are less concerned with avoiding consequences and more focused on maintaining power and control over their victim. They may systematically erode their partner’s confidence and autonomy, fostering dependency and emotional instability.
While both forms of gaslighting are damaging, narcissistic gaslighting is more insidious and often reflects a pattern of ongoing emotional abuse. Fear-based gaslighting, though still a betrayal of trust, is typically situational and may be addressed if the unfaithful partner takes responsibility for their actions and seeks to repair the harm caused.
Understanding the different motivations and impacts of gaslighting is crucial for identifying its presence in a relationship and addressing its damaging effects. At its core, gaslighting undermines validation—the very lifeblood of emotional connection—and can leave deep psychological scars on the betrayed partner.
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Infidelity therapy offers a potential pathway for couples and individuals navigating the aftermath of betrayal. Healing after infidelity requires addressing not only the act of betrayal itself but also the deep psychological wounds caused by deception, gaslighting, and the profound loss of trust. For many, the betrayal trauma of lies and manipulation—whether rooted in fear-based avoidance or the more destructive narcissistic gaslighting—creates emotional scars that demand careful and compassionate attention.
Healing after infidelity hinges on the unfaithful partner’s willingness to fully acknowledge the pain and devastation their deceit has caused. This acknowledgment goes beyond merely admitting to the affair—it involves taking responsibility for the emotional turmoil, betrayal trauma, and psychological harm inflicted through lying and manipulation.
When the unfaithful partner dismisses or minimizes the impact of their actions, it deepens the wounds and creates an insurmountable barrier to recovery. Affair recovery healing cannot proceed without this essential step. In infidelity therapy, this acknowledgment becomes the cornerstone of rebuilding trust, as it validates the betrayed partner’s pain and demonstrates a commitment to genuine repair.
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Article References
Gass, G. Z., & Nichols, W. C. (1988). Gaslighting: A marital syndrome. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 10(1), 3–16.
Stern, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Morgan Road Books
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Rich Nicastro, PhD, is a clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience supporting individuals and couples as they navigate betrayal trauma and other relationship challenges. He offers teletherapy to clients throughout the United States. To work with Dr. Nicastro and join his waiting list, please email him at Rich@RichardNicastro.com.
