The Role of Sexualization in Masking Pain

Emotional pain is an inevitable aspect of the human experience, something we all encounter at some point in our lives. As we navigate this pain, we develop coping mechanisms to help us manage and alleviate our suffering. Some of these coping strategies are conscious and intentional, such as reaching out to a trusted individual for support, which can provide temporary relief and lessen our sense of isolation during difficult times.

However, there are also unconscious processes at play that contribute to our management of pain. These psychological defenses, although beyond our conscious control, serve to mitigate our distress and suffering. Examples of such defenses include minimizing the significance of a distressing experience, repressing painful memories, or dissociating from our bodies during traumatic events.

In our quest to alleviate emotional pain, we employ a variety of intentional and unintentional strategies. These efforts are aimed at reducing our suffering and finding relief from the challenges we face.

The sexualization of emotional pain

Sexualization is an often unexamined psychological strategy that is frequently used as a coping mechanism for underlying emotional pain (Cohen, 1981; Davies & Frawley, 1994; Ruggiero, 2011). 

It involves imbuing an experience, person, event, or feeling with an erotic charge. 

By infusing an otherwise nonsexual experience with erotic energy, individuals may find temporary relief from emotional distress. This transformation has the potential to change the experience from unbearable to tolerable, from unwanted to momentarily exciting.

By infusing an otherwise nonsexual experience with erotic energy, individuals may find temporary relief from emotional distress. This transformation has the potential to change the experience from unbearable to tolerable, from unwanted to momentarily exciting. 

In times of emotional turmoil, individuals may unconsciously turn to sexualization as a means of managing their pain. The arousal and excitement associated with sexualization can serve as a distraction from distressing emotions, providing a temporary escape from feeling overwhelmed. However, this coping mechanism often fails to address the underlying issues contributing to the emotional pain, leading to a perpetuating cycle of temporary relief followed by renewed distress. 

The mitigating impact of defensive sexualization

There are several ways that sexualization can be utilized (consciously or unconsciously) as a means of buffering emotional distress. 

Sexualization as a type of avoidance

Here erotic energy serves as a compelling diversion away from underlying pain, offering a temporary respite from the weight of unresolved traumas, whether they stem from past experiences or present-day events. 

This diversionary tactic creates a temporary detour from feelings of overwhelm, offering a fleeting sense of relief from the burdens of the past or the challenges of the present.

When this underlying defense becomes the primary mode of emotional regulation, individuals may feel compelled to use sex, masturbation, pornography, and fantasy as a central means to self-soothe, prioritizing these activities over connection with their partner/spouse. 

The merging of suffering with erotic energy

When pain and sexual energy are blended together, a new experience is created, one where pain is infused with arousal. The experience of emotional pain or discomfort (for instance, fear) can automatically trigger feelings of excitement and stimulation. The conscious experience of distress goes hand-in-hand with sensual, erotic excitement.  

In this sexualization dynamic, pain and arousal become intertwined, resulting in a complex blend of emotions and sensations. For some individuals, experiencing distressing emotions like fear or anger may be necessary in order to feel sexually aroused. Consequently, risk-taking behaviors and compulsivity may be driven by this underlying fusion of pain and erotic energy.

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In the above section we discussed the two ways that sexual excitement can be used to manage emotional pain: sexual excitement as a stop-gap measure to avoid or steer away from pain; and the fusion of sexual energy with the suffering itself—here pain and erotic feelings become one. 

These kinds of sexualization can serve as a coping mechanism for a broad spectrum of distressing subjective experiences that arise from early, unresolved childhood trauma, including physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, as well as neglect. For individuals on a journey of healing from past trauma, it’s crucial to gain a deeper understanding of the psychological dynamics at play and the potential consequences of relying on sexualization as a pain management measure. 

Let’s now turn our attention to some of the painful emotional experiences where sexualization can be used to fend off pain.

Anger/Rage

When managing anger and rage, sexualization can become a coping mechanism, especially within the context of unresolved childhood trauma. During instances of abuse, individuals often experience a combination of overwhelming helplessness and rage wherein they are unable to direct their anger at the appropriate target—the abuser. This internalized rage simmers beneath the surface, fueling feelings of powerlessness and despair. 

Consequently, when similar feelings of anger and rage arise later in life, individuals may struggle to express and process these emotions in an empowering and relational manner. 

The anger of the other (of the perpetrator, and later, one’s partner or spouse) may also be sexualized, turning the experience of being frightened by another’s anger and destructive potential into an eroticized experience.

Sexualization has the potential to transform the helplessness of the original rage into a position of interpersonal dominance and power over others. At its extreme, sexualized anger can evolve into sadism, where the other person is devalued and objectified.

Sexualization has the potential to transform the helplessness of the original rage into a position of interpersonal dominance and power over others. At its extreme, sexualized anger can evolve into sadism, where the other person is devalued and objectified.

When an individual’s anger feels overwhelming and potentially harmful, sexualization may serve as a way to reframe the experience. By redirecting intense anger into sexual behavior, individuals may perceive a sense of control and find temporary relief from the overwhelming nature of their emotions.  

Fear, helplessness and shame 

Fear, helplessness, and shame are deeply ingrained in the experience of childhood abuse and trauma. Children who endure abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, or sexual, are often overwhelmed by feelings of fear and powerlessness in the face of their perpetrator’s power. 

Additionally, survivors of abuse may experience profound shame, believing themselves to be responsible for the mistreatment they’ve endured.  

As survivors of childhood abuse navigate through life, these core trauma-based emotions remain (even if buried), often resurfacing in response to triggers that are somehow reminiscent of the original traumatic experiences. When fear, helplessness, and shame are activated, individuals may seek ways to cope with these overwhelming feelings (unconsciously or consciously). 

When sexualization is being used to cope with unresolved childhood trauma, the person may feel compelled to act in ways that violate their core values and life goals (i.e., creating a secretive life that involves sexual acting out) .

The sexualization of fear, helplessness and/or shame may offer a fleeting sense of relief, a momentary numbing agent that only keeps buried what ultimately needs to be brought to the surface in order to be healed.  

Sexualization is a form of self-medicating, providing a temporary escape from the intensity of pain—a pain that can take the form of chronic dissatisfaction, unhappiness, a confusing and pervasive emptiness, or more acute suffering. The sexualization of fear, helplessness and/or shame may offer a fleeting sense of relief, a momentary numbing agent that only keeps buried what ultimately needs to be brought to the surface in order to be healed. 

Sexualization as a reenactment of childhood abuse

Sexualization can also be a reenactment (a replaying) of the original abuse dynamics. In an attempt to gain a sense of control over the profound helplessness, terror and humiliation that accompanied childhood abuse, adult survivors may unconsciously replicate aspects of the original trauma(s) through sexualized acting out.

This reenactment may take various forms, such as seeking out partners who resemble the abuser, engaging in sexual acts that mimic abuse dynamics, or recreating scenarios that evoke feelings of fear, helplessness, and shame. 

Unconscious reenactments often re-traumatize, leading to an increase in despair and hopelessness.  

In essence, these unconscious attempts to “redo” aspects of the abuse in the hopes of achieving a sense of control and understanding—and healing from the original trauma—only serve to keep individuals painfully stuck and not feeling in control of their lives.

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Sexualization, in and of itself, is not inherently problematic. Many individuals and couples explore their sexual desires in a multitude of ways that might involve playing with power dynamics, submission and domination, and a wide range of other experiences that might enhance shared eroticism. What we’re addressing in this article is sexualization when it’s used as a primary mode of psychological defense that ultimately prevents one from processing the underlying wounds that the defenses are trying to protect in the first place. 

Additionally, it’s important to know that almost any type of subjective experience can be sexualized (unresolved grief, feelings of loneliness, emotional disconnection, joy, pride, competitiveness). The jolt and charge of erotic energy provides a momentary, powerful diversion from emotional struggles and the unbearable pain of unresolved trauma. 

But this way of coping ultimately perpetuates cycles of distress and prevents individuals from confronting and resolving their underlying emotional issues. And when sexualization leads to destructive acting out, the negative consequences too often compound the pain that sexualization is designed to mitigate.

Reliance on sexualization to manage emotional pain may hinder individuals’ ability to form healthy relationships and address the root causes of their distress. Despite its temporary allure, sexualization as a coping mechanism ultimately falls short in providing lasting relief from emotional pain.

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Rich Nicastro, PhD is a clinical psychologist based in Austin, Texas. He has over twenty-five years of experience working with individuals and couples. He offers teletherapy to clients throughout the United States.