“I wish I could be more like my friend Jermaine. When he gets rejected, he just shrugs and lets it roll off his back. ‘Their loss,’ he’ll say, sometimes with a tinge of anger. But not me. When I get rejected, I sink down into a shame response so deep that it can take days—or weeks—to crawl out of. I don’t understand why I get so ashamed when I hear some version of ‘no thanks.’” ~Arlo, age 54
Feeling shame is arguably one of the most uncomfortable emotional responses humans experience. It can feel pervasive, stubborn, and all-consuming. And often, it occurs when we least expect it, when we are at our most vulnerable, when we objectively need to be kind to ourselves. And beyond the unavoidable bouts of shame everyone feels from time to time, there’s a type of shame that’s more intense and more insidious. Toxic shame gets internalized by the individual and causes them to see themselves unworthy overall, rather than limit the shame response to a particular temporary situation.
Rejection and toxic shame
Rejection is something we are hardwired to fear and to try to avoid. As social creatures (even the most introverted among us), it’s natural to want to belong to a community, and therefore natural to be wounded by instances of being excluded from a community, even if there is good reason not to take the rejection personally. So it’s understandable that rejection would be especially difficult, and have lingering effects, for someone who regularly deals with toxic shame.
Let’s hear more from Arlo about his struggles with toxic shame exacerbated by rejection:
“So this week has been a real doozy. First I got bad news at work. I spent nearly six months working on a project, was very proud of it, only to hear from my boss that it wasn’t what she was looking for. My boss broke the news when I was sitting in front of her in her office, and I was so overwhelmed by the feeling of wanting to hide, wanting the floor to open up and the earth to swallow me up, that I felt nauseous and light-headed. I even worried I might pass out. But honestly, sudden unconsciousness felt like a far preferable state of being than drowning in all that shame.”
Toxic shame feels excruciating. It makes us feel ashamed of ourselves, rather than merely regretful about something we’ve done (which is the case with embarrassment or remorse). The intensity of toxic shame can cause us to want to hide, and ultimately, since we can’t literally hide from ourselves, it feels like there’s nowhere to escape to. Some toxic shame sufferers even fantasize about self-obliteration because the pain is so intense.
Arlo continues his reflection:
“Looking back on it now, I wonder why I didn’t defend my work to my boss. Not to try to change her mind or anything, but just for my own sake. Why didn’t I point out how much time I’d spent on it, how I’d showed preliminary drafts to another team and gotten excellent feedback? I just sunk into myself, my heart racing, my skin clammy, unable to meet her gaze, and hating myself for producing work I suddenly hated, and hating myself for ever thinking it was a solid project. I felt completely worthless. Not for one second did I believe she was rejecting my work product. Rather, it felt like a total rejection and repudiation of me.”
The roots of toxic shame
We’ve all felt shame from time to time. Since it’s a facet of being human, there’s no escaping it. However, the type of intense shame that Arlo describes is a different animal.
Toxic shame has its roots in the formative years of childhood, typically during a childhood marked by neglect or abuse. When a child learns that they cannot rely on their caregivers for safety, comfort, and care, they internalize this reality in one of two ways. Either they learn that others cannot be trusted, which tends to engender feelings of helplessness and a lack of agency or control. Or else they interpret themselves as the cause of their caregivers’ abandonment or abuse. They adopt a belief in their own inadequacy or unworthiness as the reason they didn’t receive the care they were seeking. “I’m bad, I did wrong, I am wrong. They would’ve taken care of me if I hadn’t screwed up.”
On its face, it might seem like the latter adaptation is much more problematic than the former. Isn’t it healthier to blame the actual traumatizers for our own inner shame? Rather than ourselves? But there’s an element of control in the self-blame scenario: I can control when I feel shame. If I’m always perfect, I’ll never feel ashamed.
It goes without saying, but any instance of childhood trauma is a tragedy. There is never a silver lining to an experience that should not have happened. What we’re looking at are the ways the psyche can cope with that set of tragic circumstances, and how that might impact the individual into adulthood. And feeling in control of something, even in impossible, painful situations, is preferable to feeling no control whatsoever.
Research shows that toxic shame in adulthood has a high correlation with trauma in childhood (Andrews et al., 2019).
Toxic shame triggered by social rejection
Arlo’s recent experiences with shame aren’t limited to the rejection of his work at the office. He describes another event that exacerbated his familiar pattern of inwardly rejecting and punishing himself after he’s been rejected by others:
“And if what happened at work wasn’t enough, I found out about a party a friend of mine threw that I wasn’t invited to. I’m well into my fifties, and yet I felt like a dejected middle schooler, sitting home and nursing my wounds, imagining everyone at the party living it up and talking about how I would’ve only brought the vibe down. I felt such deep shame that I was agreeing with those imagined conversations: I would’ve wrecked the party, it’s no wonder I wasn’t invited. To say it was a bad weekend, to say I was the worst possible company for myself, is a massive understatement.”
How toxic shame effects emotional wellbeing
Unlike fleeting shame that everyone experiences from time to time, toxic shame commonly leads to intense self-criticism and low self-esteem. This in turn can get in the way of healthy relationships, and it can also contribute to depression, chronic anxiety, or even suicidal thoughts (Brenner et al., 2017).
Rather than take a step back and ask himself questions about the incidents he described, Arlo quickly interpreted both of them as due to something lacking in him, his own professed unworthiness. Even if his boss’s dissatisfaction with his work, and being overlooked for a party invite, were not a repudiation of him as a person, he took the baton and made it all about him anyway.
Toxic shame can become a type of self-attack. It can feel like there’s a vicious enemy within, one that cannot be appeased by anything you can think of with which to defend yourself.
When we’re in a place where self-compassion feels impossible, our emotional wellbeing suffers. And that creates an inner landscape where shame can take root, grow and spread.
How toxic shame effects relationships
Let’s hear from Arlo again:
“I’m only now beginning to see the way shame has seeped into my romantic relationships. I thought I’d been doing such a good job of keeping all the compartments separate. Ha. I was telling myself that the best thing I could do to make a relationship last was to have no needs of my own.
“Now I know you can’t get rid of needs, you can only trick yourself into thinking you got rid of them. Before she left for good, one of my exes said: ‘I spent so much energy trying to get you to feel comfortable enough with me to share what you wanted out of the relationship. And yet here you are throwing it in my face that we’ve only ever made choices for things I wanted.’”
As stated earlier, toxic shame has its roots in childhood trauma. When a child learns that they cannot trust their caregivers to provide a safe environment for them, that lesson continues to resonate beyond childhood. One of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship is trust. If the individual struggling with toxic shame is unable to trust others, that can get in the way of opening up to intimacy. Additionally, being in relationship might intensify feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, as well as a fear of rejection. When the psyche is more focused on managing insecurity and preventing rejection than on emotionally opening up to the romantic partner, it’s challenging to build a lasting connection.
Not all “people-pleasers” are driven by toxic shame, but quite often those who do feel that level of shame on a regular basis tend to consistently defer to others, even when they have their own preferences or desires. If you’ve ever de-prioritized your own needs below your partner’s, you know how doing that all the time can lead to frustration or festering resentments. Your partner might be shocked to hear that you are regularly quashing your own wants and needs, rather than communicating them. That lack of boundary-setting and lack of effective communication can become problematic patterns in relationships since they construct walls between partners, rather than nurture shared emotional space.
“I tried something new (for me) in the relationship I’m in now,” Arlo says. “When it became clear that the relationship was one both me and my girlfriend wanted to pursue long-term, I confided in her about my struggles with speaking up for what I want. Interestingly enough, I was terrified to have that conversation, even felt shame for bringing it up. But Maya said she was glad I did, and so far I’m feeling encouraged about having a healthy, equal role in this relationship.
“Sometimes shame still nips at my heels with the inner voice that says ‘How dare you advocate for your preferences or desires? You’re lucky enough to have a partner!’ But mostly I’m able to see that voice for what it is, the residue of toxic shame, and usually I stop hearing it and redirect my attention to the present moment.”
A key ingredient for alleviating toxic shame
When it comes to healing from any childhood trauma, it’s important to go slowly, have patience, and remember that long-standing patterns require lots of time to undo. But the good news is that with time, effort, and education, unhealthy patterns can be reversed. Even with something as painful and challenging as toxic shame.
Self-compassion is arguably the most important tool for alleviating toxic shame. Self-compassion is good for everyone, not just toxic shame sufferers, and has been shown to increase emotional resilience and decrease the effects of anxiety and depression (Neff et al., 2019).
But when you’re in the throes of overwhelming toxic shame, it may feel like granting yourself true compassion is as out of reach as a trip to Mars. It’s easy to recall experiences of using kind words and understanding to comfort a friend who’s speaking harshly about themselves. And it’s easy to see how incorporating positive self-talk can soften the edge of a destructive inner monologue. But for someone in a toxic shame spiral, it’s much harder to set that in action.
Just because it’s difficult, however, doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It takes time, patience, and commitment to reprogram a shame-based mindset that has been with you for perhaps as long as you can remember. And often, we need some help with that, since our inner critic is too quick to proactively shut down our attempts for self-compassion. Working with a mental health professional experienced in working with victims of childhood trauma can be especially helpful.
Closing thoughts from Arlo
“If you had told me ten years ago, five years ago—heck, even last year!—that I’d get to a place where I’d be openly talking about shame, I wouldn’t have believed you. And yet now, most of the time, I can recognize when I’m coming from a place of shame and can see how that shuts me down or prevents me from being fully engaged in my life or in my relationship.
“What was particularly helpful about my work in therapy was learning self-regulation skills that prevent me from falling into despair and shame cycles. Most importantly, now I can see that although intense shame may feel like it eclipses me in the moment, it isn’t me. It’s a reaction with roots in my childhood. I’m a work in progress for sure, but the work feels worth it, and even though I still struggle with shame, it no longer feels like it’s running my life.”
~~~~~
Rich Nicastro, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist with twenty-five years of experience based in Austin, TX. He offers teletherapy to individuals and couples throughout the United States.
Article references:
Andrews, B., Qian, M., & Valentine, J. D. (2019). Childhood trauma as a predictor of shame and self-criticism in adulthood. Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma, 12(4), 489-499. doi: 10.1007/s40653-018-0229-8.
Brenner, I., Shek, D. T., & Li, X. (2017). How does the experience of shame and toxic shame relate to symptoms of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation?. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 36(3), 198-212. doi: 10.1521/jscp.2017.36.3.198.
Neff, K. D., Tóth-Király, I., Yarnell, L. M., Arimitsu, K., Castilho, P., Ghorbani, N., … & Szabó, Á. (2019). Examining the factor structure of the Self-Compassion Scale in 20 diverse samples: support for use of a total score and six subscale scores. Psychological Assessment, 31(1), 27-45. doi: 10.1037/pas0000629.
