When you see the words “narcissism” and “narcissist,” you might think of someone (or several people) you personally know. And in thinking about these individuals, other words might pop into your mind: “Selfish and self-absorbed”; “inconsiderate”; “excessively boastful”; “manipulative”; “uncaring” (just to name a few).
But what do you think when you hear “vulnerable narcissism?”
The phrase vulnerable narcissism may sound like an oxymoron, the pairing of two seemingly incompatible words. At first glance, the arrogance and pretentiousness often associated with narcissism doesn’t seem to leave room for vulnerability.
However, narcissism is complex and manifests in different ways, and one common distinction made is between the “thick-skinned” or grandiose narcissist and the “thin-skinned” or vulnerable narcissist (Bernardi & Eidlin, 2018). The latter has also been referred to as covert narcissism.
In order to best understand the vulnerable narcissist, it’s important to compare this type of narcissism with the more overt, grandiose manifestation. So let’s first take a look at the characteristics of the type of narcissism that more readily comes to mind, before exploring the vulnerable type.
The grandiose narcissist profile
The thick-skinned or grandiose narcissist conjures up the familiar image associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Here you are dealing with someone who has a deep sense of entitlement and feelings of specialness and superiority. They aren’t shy when it comes to letting others know about theiraccomplishments—it makes little difference whether they are actual, embellished or made-up achievements, someone is going to hear about it.
Interpersonally, grandiose narcissists may present as brazenly self-absorbed, completely steamrolling others with their self-referential musings. It’s as if they are oblivious or simply don’t care about the impact their egotistical behavior has on others.
Some grandiose narcissists may present as interpersonally savvy, but this apparent astuteness has little to do with genuine empathy. Instead, the other person is used as a surrogate to do the narcissist’s bidding. To accomplish this, the grandiose narcissist is often skilled at impressing others and connecting with people who lack self-confidence and are therefore easily taken in by the narcissist’s self-assuredness.
As a rule, grandiose narcissists do not readily tolerate opinions or mindsets that differ from their own. Quite the contrary, mutuality can be seen as a threat, and individuals with differing opinions and abilities often evoke envy, anger and the need to erase or devalue the other. If the grandiose narcissist thinks you might be of value in some way, they will shower you with attention and show considerable interest in you. However, once your (perceived) value is called into question, you may be dropped in ways that can feel jarring.
Part of this relational dynamic is driven by the grandiose narcissist’s inability to tolerate having to need or rely on another person. Their needs for attachment and healthy dependency can cause them significant anxiety and threaten their self-esteem. If others truly matter, then those others have the power to hurt the grandiose narcissist.
Let’s keep in mind that the grandiose narcissist has created powerful defenses against their emotional wounds. They protect themselves by seeing themselves as superior to all others.
At times, we can get a glimpse of their underlying vulnerability from their obvious need to demonstrate just how competent and special they are and evoke adulation from others.
Further, the anger/rage that comes up when they’re challenged by others also points to an underlying vulnerability that is shadowed by their inflated sense of self.
The vulnerable narcissist profile
The vulnerable narcissist (also referred to as the “thin-skinned” or covert narcissist) usually presents very differently. They may struggle with shyness and inhibit themselves in an effort to avoid being wounded by others. By not letting themselves be fully (or easily) known by others, they avoid the dangers of self-exposure. As a result, they can prefer to remain on the sidelines, vigilant and wary of potential slights or rejection (Gabbard, 1989).
The vulnerable narcissist isn’t nearly as well-defended as the grandiose narcissist. Because of their sensitivity to the reactions of others, the vulnerable narcissist can easily fall into shame-based despair and as a result, rely more on avoidance strategies as a means of self-protection.
One avoidance strategy is to hide behind the facade of humility, while eschewing the grandiose displays of others. This stance of humility, however, makes someone with vulnerable narcissism feel uniquely superior. Excessive “modesty” (that manifests as routine self-deprecation) is turned into a badge of honor that propels one’s self-esteem status to greater heights. Their emotional struggles can also feed their ego, a unique suffering that to them is qualitatively different (more painful, more tragic, steeped in greater misfortune) than the pain of others.
Like the grandiose narcissist, the thin-skinned vulnerable narcissist feels exceptional but their sense of specialness can be less pervasive and more circumscribed than someone with overt displays of narcissism. But their more covert grandiosity is used (similarly to the grandiose narcissist) to bolster a fragile sense of self.
The vulnerability of the vulnerable narcissist
Someone who struggles with vulnerable narcissism is susceptible to dark moods. Significant bouts of depression can be triggered when their sense of superiority is called into question—called into question by others or the sobering reality that doesn’t support their inflated self-perception.
To ward off threats to their fragile self-esteem, the vulnerable narcissist may take fewer risks so that they don’t have to deal with any real challenges to their special status. They can remain safely on the sidelines of life, clinging to their perceptions of (untested) superiority, but these self-inhibitions that allow grandiosity to persist come at a cost. While the illusion of self-importance can be maintained, the vulnerable narcissist must shrink their world in order to avoid circumstances that might call this superiority into question. (“If I applied for that job I’d definitely get it, and I’d be the best at it, no doubt about it. But I’m not going to apply for it, I’m needed here.”)
Some vulnerable narcissists get around this dilemma by existing mainly in the world of potentials rather than action. Their self-esteem is fueled by their belief that if they did attempt to achieve some desired goal, they would be superior at that activity once it was actually undertaken. The idea that they have superlative abilities(without having to prove this to themselves or others) is enough to artificially inflate their self-esteem. It is their unrealized potential for greatness (rather than actual achievements) that are tightly held onto, and it is the belief in their unique abilities that keeps them from crashing into self-doubt.
Protecting against being seen and humiliated
Narcissism is an adaptation to pain and, in particular, the emotional pain of helplessness and humiliation. The over-valuation of the self to superior status (independent of actual achievements) seen in narcissism allows one to escape from the threat of being seen as inadequate and less-than — a paralyzing experience of shame-inadequacy that at one time existed for the child who eventually transformed this pain by developing intoa narcissistic adult.
The traumas that lead to narcissistic adaptations make it extremely challenging for narcissistic individuals to experience and express vulnerability.
If the narcissist starts to feel emotionally open and vulnerable, they can only imagine the fate of being demeaned and belittled by anyone who sees the terrain of their inner world.
This phobic reaction to being vulnerable makes emotional intimacy and mutuality in relationships extremely difficult. It is only the cover of self-righteousness and grandiosity that allows this person to feel emotionally safe. Tucked behind the facade of superiority, the narcissist can hide from others what they find so intolerable — a highly fragile self that is quick to feel degraded and demeaned (Steiner, 2006).
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Narcissism is a complex phenomenon that can be difficult to diagnose (even by trained mental health professionals). Narcissism can be overt or covert, and many of us have a few traits of narcissism that serve us well in life while also maintaining the capacity to empathize with and be compassionate to others. (So having occasional self-aggrandizing moods or thoughts does not a narcissist make.)
In addition to the varied presentations that exist, narcissism also runs along a continuum — from mild and relatively benign to severe, malignant types of narcissism (Gabbard & Crisp, 2017).
Increasing numbers of people are diagnosing themselves or their loved ones with narcissism. The tendency to do so might result from feeling incredibly frustrated, unheard or unseen by someone important to you. And because they appear so inconsiderate, you might conclude that they must be a narcissist (which would help explain their insensitive behaviors).
But prematurely labeling someone a narcissist tells us little about what is truly going on emotionally for that person.
It is challenging to be in a relationship with someone who has full-blown NPD or numerous, persistent narcissistic traits. But it’s also important to get an accurate diagnosis to help determine if narcissism is truly present, and if so, which type.
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Rich Nicastro, PhD is a clinical psychologist with twenty-five years of experience treating a wide range of emotional and relationship issues. He works with both individuals and couples, and offers teletherapy to clients throughout the United States.
Article References:
Bernardi, R., & Eidlin, M. 2018. Thin-Skinned or Vulnerable Narcissism and Thick-Skinned or Grandiose Narcissism: Similarities and Differences. International Journal of Psychoanalysis; 2: 291-313.
Gabbard, G.O., & Crisp, H. (2018). Narcissism and It’s Discontents: Diagnostic Dilemmas and Treatment Strategies With Narcissistic Patients. APA.
Steiner, J. 2006. Seeing and Being Seen: Narcissistic Pride and Narcissistic Humiliation. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 87: 939-51.
