When an affair (or series of infidelities) is discovered, an unfolding of painful and complicated reactions occurs for both the betrayed partner as well as the unfaithful partner. Often there is an overwhelming flood of psychological, emotional and physical fallout as this new reality of betrayal sets in. Both partners’ separate experiences will intersect in complicated ways, at times creating spaces for healing, while at other times painfully colliding as torment, anger and confusion predominate.
Today’s article will explore some reactions of wayward partners as the consequence of their cheating crystalizes. It’s vital that the unfaithful partner is able to make sense of, utilize and, when necessary, manage these emotional experiences for the affair recovery process to unfold successfully. Some of these reactions will cause the betrayed partner additional wounding and stall the recovery process. If left unchecked, these emotional injuries can push the relationship closer to collapse.
Let’s turn our attention to the most common wayward reactions I see in my therapy practice.
Resentful of the affair discovery disruption
It may seem surprising that in these instances the unfaithful partner’s distress centers primarily on the upheaval to their own routines and sense of stability rather than on the emotional injury they’ve caused their partner/spouse.
This reaction is most commonly seen when the wayward spouse/partner starts to feel that they’ve “put plenty of time and effort” into repairing the relationship with little or no desired effect. This loss of patience might be fueled by several issues, including a lack of knowledge about the length of time required for the betrayed partner to heal, as well as the wayward’s struggles to self-regulate and manage the painful emotions that are an inevitable part of the sometimes-circuitous affair recovery process.
When this kind of reaction shows up soon after the affair is discovered, it can point to something deeper going on for the unfaithful partner —perhaps a sense of narcissistic entitlement, a belief that the affair was somehow justified, an entitlement that leads to anger and resentment that their world has been upended by their partner’s reactions.
Without any sustained, genuine experience of empathy and remorse, healing cannot occur. In short, feeling resentful about the disruption the affair discovery has caused signals that the betrayed’s needs will not be adequately and consistently tended to.
Without any sustained, genuine experience of empathy and remorse, healing cannot occur. In short, feeling resentful about the disruption the affair discovery has caused signals that the betrayed’s needs will not be adequately and consistently tended to. And worse, this egocentric reaction may re-traumatize the betrayed, leading to a protracted path of suffering for them.
Empathy and empathic stress
As mentioned, the wayward’s capacity to see the injury caused and to deeply feel for the betrayed is an essential part of infidelity recovery. This allows the unfaithful partner to step closer to the betrayed’s lived experience, a close-up view that brings the betrayed’s reality into fuller focus for the wayward. Over time, this will allow the betrayed to feel understood and less alone in their suffering. The reestablishment of trust is built on the betrayed feeling and believing that the unfaithful partner “really gets it.”
It’s from this empathic position that a deeper understanding of the other emerges. An understanding that has the potential to allow the wayward to fully witness and be emotionally available for the betrayed. Ideally, a presence of caring and compassion for the suffering being witnessed.
Empathy can, however, morph into a state of emotional overwhelm when it triggers intense levels of shame and guilt in the unfaithful partner. In these moments, the potentially healing empathic connection buckles and is lost. Here empathy has given way to an empathic stress response — a state of emotional dysregulation that blocks empathic connection.
The wayward partner is now emotionally suffocating under the weight of their own guilt and shame, and if this becomes the new norm, the betrayed’s pain can increasingly turn into a trigger for the wayward’s shame reactivity. The irony is that the betrayed may now be experienced as a danger, a reminder of “what a horrible person I [the wayward partner] am.” Avoidance of processing the betrayed’s pain may become the means used by the wayward partner to help regulate their shame reactivity, an avoidance that keeps the betrayed’s pain alive and untended to.
This shame response may arise not only from the painful reality of having inflicted deep emotional injury on a loved one, but also from older wounds the wayward has never fully dealt with, wounds that fuel a sense of unworthiness and inadequacy. In these instances, an exploration of these deeper wounds is needed for the infidelity recovery process to remain on track.
Self-betrayal anger
There are some unfaithful partners who come to realize they’ve acted in ways that violate their own moral/ethical code—a code they abandoned in order to have an affair. In other words, post-discovery, their conscience catches up to them. The affair wasn’t just a betrayal of their partner, it was a betrayal of themselves.
This self-directed anger and disgust goes beyond the empathic realization of the damage they’ve caused their loved one. It arises from a deep-seated violation of their own ideals, a transgression of who they thought they were and who they want to be — a person who lives a life of honesty and integrity.
A self-betrayal at this level can cause a crisis of identity, rattling a person to their core, creating a level of despair that includes self-loathing, shame, guilt, and the shock of what they’ve done.
A self-betrayal at this level can cause a crisis of identity, rattling a person to their core, creating a level of despair that includes self-loathing, shame, guilt, and the shock of what they’ve done.
It’s important for the unfaithful partner to develop an understanding of what led them to act against themselves (and their loved one), since this crisis of identity can lead to clinical depression and compromise the infidelity recovery process.
Moral outrage leading to self-condemnation
Self-betrayal anger can turn into relentless long-term suffering. When this occurs, the wayward partner gets trapped in their own self-condemnation, a chronic self-judgement that seems immune to any progress the betrayed partner or the couple are making in their rebuilding.
When driven by their own moral outrage at what they’ve done, this self-imposed penance becomes a form of psychic justice: “If the person I hurt is still in pain, then I should be suffering too — actually, I should be suffering even more.” The resistance to self-forgiveness comes from a stubborn gap between their ideals (the person they thought they were and want to be) and their actions (a person who severely wounded someone they love).
When this takes hold, self-punishment can become its own protracted prison sentence. Even as the betrayed partner begins to heal, even after forgiveness has been offered, the unfaithful partner may keep themselves locked in the role of irredeemable wrongdoer. Their self-condemnation outlasts the anger and moral judgment of the one they hurt. It’s a form of karmic justice with no end in sight. For relationship healing to occur, the wayward partner must find a way out of this internal maze of emotional imprisonment.
~~~
When a couple takes the courageous step toward rebuilding their relationship, they are embarking on a journey that is inherently challenging and painful. There are many factors that will impact the outcome of the affair recovery process.
Healing from infidelity requires the wayward partner to undergo a serious self-journey as they attempt to repair the wounds they’ve caused, a journey that will bring them face-to-face with parts of themselves they wish didn’t exist; parts that have struggled and are in desperate need of attention; as well as parts of themselves that may show up in impressive ways for their loved one.
The wayward partner must cultivate an openness to the complex and often overwhelming feelings that will surface as they make this journey.
This openness is foundational to the self-discovery and learning necessary to transform the unfaithful partner into a steady, healing presence for the betrayed. This goes beyond the regret and remorse the wayward partner may feel after hurting someone they deeply love. While remorse is essential, just as critical is the willingness to confront and work through the internal barriers that prevent them from creating — and staying present in — the emotional spaces needed to rebuild trust.
These are the very spaces the wayward partner may want to escape from because of the intensity of the betrayed’s pain and anger. But without the betrayed partner feeling deeply seen, heard, and understood, genuine relational healing from the devastation of infidelity becomes impossible.
~~~
Rich Nicastro, PhD, is a clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience supporting individuals and couples as they navigate betrayal trauma and other emotional challenges. He offers teletherapy to clients in many states throughout the United States. To work with Dr. Nicastro and join his waiting list, please email him at Rich@RichardNicastro.com.
